


end to start

by jyancity



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Reverse Chronology, also LuRen if u squint and tilt ur head, background Jeno/Jaemin, technically
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-29
Updated: 2020-07-29
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:13:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 21,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25584970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jyancity/pseuds/jyancity
Summary: “I don’t know how I’d live without you, Hyuck.”Donghyuck reaches up to pat the side of Mark’s face— stubbly, maybe a stress pimple or two, but still absolutely beautiful.“Don’t worry,” he sighs, eyes drifting shut, “you won’t ever have to.”—The story of Donghyuck and Mark's great love, beginning with the end.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee
Comments: 44
Kudos: 80





	end to start

**Author's Note:**

> Let's get the formalities out of the way:  
> This story is told in reverse-order. Each time stamp is in reference to the opening scene, so when it says "1 year earlier" that means it's been one year since the opening scene, not the scene prior. This story spans three years, and only tells the parts the narrator deemed significant enough to include.
> 
> Okay now that that's been said, this work took so much time, and so many people have poured time and love into it to make it the version you see now. Thank you to Xin for helping me talk through the initial idea, Mik for your encouragement and support when I wanted to give up, and Vals for being the best beta and editor I could ask for. 
> 
> [The playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0TlGQBOMafgR3jU2gHQFo4?si=HmVlZNztTEufe2-DEF9Zow) can be found here.
> 
> Enjoy!

It’s raining. Donghyuck has never been one for poetry, but it feels fitting. The precipitation paints the street and passing cars in a monotonous grey, leeches the beauty out of the passing greenery. Pulling into the parking lot, finding a space, everything is done on autopilot. Mark shifts quietly in the passenger’s seat, and it’s a question almost as clear as if he’d voiced it. _What’s going on? Why aren’t you just dropping me off?_

“Let’s get some breakfast before your flight, yeah?” Donghyuck asks, unbuckling his seatbelt. The outright confusion on his boyfriend’s face doesn’t disappear, but he clearly shelves his curiosity. It’s easier to go with the flow, at this point. Donghyuck takes a breath, fights against the tightening of his ribcage with each passing second, before getting down and moving to pull Mark’s luggage from the trunk.

His business trip is only slated to last a week. Mark’s job calls him away a lot — too often, if the selfish part of Donghyuck’s brain is honest — and this is hardly his first trip, but Donghyuck feels apprehensive for a different reason. A glacial breeze tears through the parking complex; Donghyuck shivers as Mark presses the button for the elevator. There was a time in their relationship where Mark would have noticed, would have shucked off his jacket in a heartbeat and fussed over him in the way he loved. They’ve gotten older, he supposes. It would be strange if it happened now. Now he just crosses his arms over his chest, trying to shelter himself from the cold.

Arriving on ground level, they are met with a rather slow crowd. It’s a bit of an off time for a flight, just a little after breakfast, and a majority of the people around them look a lot like Mark — business people, traveling for work, or maybe returning home. It makes the check-in process easier, which Donghyuck is grateful for. Mark steps back from the counter, and Donghyuck wonders if the reluctance in his face is a result of not knowing what’s about to happen, or if _maybe_ , possibly, Mark doesn’t want to leave.

He banishes that thought as soon as it comes, and Mark shuffles over.

“Does Starbucks work for you?” He asks. Donghyuck nods, not trusting his voice at the moment. Mark gets a plain americano, and Donghyuck orders a chai tea. They find a seat near a big window, and they quietly watch the planes on the tarmac for a few moments. He’s still gathering his courage when his boyfriend breaks the silence.

“Are you good, Hyuck?” And _oh,_ the resentment rises in him. He hates it, he hates the way Mark looks so wary of him, hates that this is what they’ve come to, but it’s all he can do to push down the poison in his voice when he replies.

“No,” He sighs. His chest tightens. “No, Mark. Nothing is good, and we both know it. Things haven’t been good for a long time.”

“Ah.” Mark’s expression turns flat, but not quickly enough to hide the flash of irritation. “Are we really going to do this now? _Here_?”

“I couldn’t think of a different time,” Donghyuck spits. “It’s not like you’re ever home. This is the first time we’ve spoken in days.”

“Okay, if you’re not going to play fair— .” Mark’s chair scrapes loudly as he moves to stand.

“I think we need to break up.”

The way they both freeze would be comical under different circumstances. Donghyuck knew what was coming, but the words still send ice shards piercing through him, chilling him to the core. Mark… Mark looks completely shocked, like the wind’s been knocked out of him. He’s still half-standing, his chair pressed against the back of his knees. Slowly, jerkily, he sits back down. By the time he’s back at eye-level with Donghyuck, Mark’s face is carefully schooled into a neutral expression.

“How long have you thought so?” The elder won’t meet his gaze. He wraps his hands around his cup, fingers pale against the sleeve. The siren logo peeks out at him from between slender digits.

“I don’t know.” Donghyuck shakes his head. “I just… It’s not only me, right? You _have_ to know that things just haven’t been the same. We’ve been off. It’s been such a long time since we’ve laughed together, Mark. This isn’t us. This isn’t what we’re like.”

“And you think _ending_ us is going to make it better?” He scoffs. Donghyuck frowns.

“I don’t really think there’s anything _left_ to make better.” He shakes his head. “I don’t know what else to do, Mark. We aren’t the same kids we were three years ago. We’ve changed, and I don’t know if we can be fixed.”

“So what? We don’t even try?” Mark asks, but there’s no heat to it. He’s tired, just as tired as Donghyuck is, and it’s clear that he’s not fighting _for_ them, but for the idea of the past three years together. He’s fighting for the expectations everyone has, for the people they once were, but he’s certainly not fighting for their current reality. 

“We did try, Mark.” Donghyuck folds his hands on the tabletop, behind his tea. “It just didn’t work.”

“Why don’t we talk about this when I get home?” Mark runs a hand through his hair. Donghyuck hates himself for it, but he indulges in watching the motion for what he knows is the last time. He knows he’s going to remember this on a lonely night, weeks or months from now, and remember every time he’s watched Mark do it over the years. He’ll remember, and he’ll mourn everything they were and everything they would have been.

“I’m telling you now because I’ll be gone by the time you get back.” Donghyuck flinches at the low, sharp intake of breath from across the table. This was the part that he dreaded most, though he wasn’t sure if he was more afraid of Mark hurting, or Mark being fine. It was a terrible thing to admit, but there were so many times recently where he wondered if Mark cared for him at all. Even in a situation like this, as terrible and painful and _wrong_ as it was… Donghyuck felt the smallest shred of affirmation. Whatever else happened, Mark had cared for him enough for this to hurt him, too.

“Gone?”

“I’m moving out.” He nods. “It made the most sense, since I have a break between productions. The apartment was yours to begin with, anyway. So I should leave.”

“Donghyuck—!”

“It’s better this way, waiting won’t do anything, talking won’t change my mind, and I don’t want…” He took a breath. When it came to Mark, he knew he had little to no negotiational power. If his voice shook, if he showed weakness, it would still be up for debate. “I don’t want you to watch me leave.”

“I…” Mark’s fingers have gone white where they grip the table. They tighten infinitesimally before he stops, the pink flushing back, erasing all evidence of any tension. “Where will you go?”

“I feel like it’s best if we just focus on ourselves.” It’s astonishing, really, the way he feels as if he’s being sliced to ribbons on the inside, but his voice remains cool and level. “I need to focus on my career, and your career is obviously important, too. We need to have a break from each other.”

“Are you changing your number?” Mark’s voice cracks on the last word, and he clears his throat. Donghyuck’s eyes burn.

“No! No, I’m not.” Donghyuck shakes his head, and he hates himself for the way Mark relaxes. “I wouldn’t… If you ever need me, I’m here. You can call me and I promise I _will_ answer. We were friends first, Mark.” 

“I don’t know that we were.” His gaze is like fire, and Donghyuck has spent enough time studying everything there is to know about Mark Lee to know that he’s angry. It’s brief — the elder has never been one to show his anger in public, never one to make a scene — but it’s there.

The silence that drifts between them is ugly and lasts for far too long, like the grey ice on the side of the road that sticks around after the snow has melted. Donghyuck watches with feigned interest as a plane begins to pull out onto the runway, gearing up to take off.

“You should probably start heading toward security before boarding starts. I’ll let you get going.” He pushes himself up from the table. Mark nods mechanically, pushing away as well. They stand there for a moment in the watery light filtering through the window. Donghyuck risks a glance at the clock on the wall, and realizes with a start that it only took ten minutes for his life to become unrecognizably different.

“Can I..?” Mark looks at him, hands fluttering near his waist. They haven’t been speaking the same language for a long time, but Donghyuck at least understands what _this_ means. Quietly, swiftly, he sidesteps the table and wraps his arms around Mark’s neck.

He smells like the new cologne that had appeared on his side of the sink once he started making money, like aftershave and expensive soap. Donghyuck remembers a time when it was mint and fabric softener and sleep, a time when he would bury his face in the crook of Mark’s neck and it felt like coming home. He knows these new scents aren’t the ones he’ll miss, but he also knows he’s been sticking around waiting for the old Mark to come back despite the overwhelming evidence that he won’t.

“Have a safe flight.” He mumbles into the cool silk of Mark’s suit. “Don’t work too hard.”

“Hyuck…” Mark’s voice breaks as arms wind around his waist, pulling him closer, tighter, holding him in a way he hasn’t experienced in months. The guilt floods through him, because Mark is broken, and it’s his fault. It’s both their faults, really, but he’s initiating it. If he didn’t do it now, they’d be stuck, and that would be worse.

He has to believe that would be worse. 

There is so much he wishes he could say, but knows he shouldn’t. So instead, he nags.

“Don’t forget to drink water on the flight, you’ll get dehydrated” _Thank you for being my first love_. “Call Xuxi when you land.” _I wish things were different_. “Goodbye.” _I’m sorry._

“Goodbye.” Donghyuck doesn’t open his eyes when Mark pulls away. It’s only when he hears his footsteps receding that his lashes flutter open, and is met with the wide plane of his ex-boyfriend’s back as he walks away. It hurts, but in the way an old injury has a flare up. Donghyuck knows that Mark has been moving away from him for a long time, longer than he would like to admit. The elder doesn’t look back once, and Donghyuck lingers for a while after he has disappeared into the throng of suits and rolling luggages.

It’s still raining, as Donghyuck crosses the street and calls the elevator. The parking garage is twice as chilly as it was half an hour ago, the wind howling as it moves through the structure. Donghyuck makes it to the car, closes the door, and starts the engine. He turns the heater as high as it will go, and as he presses his numb fingers against the vent, he wonders if he’ll ever be warm again.

It isn’t until he gets on the freeway that he realizes he’s crying.

6 weeks earlier.

He’s the first to the door, and he’s grateful he had remembered to grab his keys as he digs them out of his stupidly expensive jacket’s pocket and twists them in the lock. It was a gift from Mark — the jacket, not the lock. Although he supposes the apartment the lock protects is sort of from Mark, too. Once he gets the door opened, he doesn’t bother to hold it open, but the elder catches it just before it slams shut. Donghyuck is already tearing off his jacket and tossing it over the back of the couch, shucking off his shoes as he makes his way to the bedroom.

Mark doesn’t bother removing his shoes as he follows, and while Donghyuck is normally the angry one (and he is positively _seething_ at the moment), Mark is just as intense in his anger.

“Want to tell me what the hell that was about? Hm?” Mark glares at him from the doorway of the bedroom. Donghyuck’s tie is too much of a bother to focus on properly untying, so he settles for loosening it enough to just pull over his head, tossing it to the side.

“What?” He snaps. 

“The _attitude_ , Donghyuck.” Mark’s jaw is clenching and unclenching, and Donghyuck takes a sick sort of pleasure in the way he’s getting angry. “You just made up a migraine to get me to leave a work party thrown _for me_. And every moment leading up to that, you were sitting there looking absolutely miserable!”

“Oh, so I’m not allowed to not enjoy myself at one of your ten _bajillion_ stupid work parties?” Donghyuck scoffs. “God knows I go to enough of them, it’s statistically impossible for me to have fun every single one, Mark.”

“You could have pretended to not hate it, okay? I’m not asking for much—!”

“You have no idea what you’re asking for!” Donghyuck bites back. “Do you know what it feels like to spend hours having conversations about someone else? Your colleagues lose interest in me the moment I say I work in theatre, and they spend the rest of the night just talking about how _wonderful_ it must be to be the arm candy of such a hotshot agent. I feel like I’m just your accessory! Like they think I don’t contribute to this relationship at all, I just rely on _you_ to support me while I chase after my stupid dream or some shit! I can tell that’s what they’re thinking!”

“Why do you care what they think? Why do you have to be the center of _everything_? Is it so wrong for me to have a party that’s just about me? _My_ accomplishments?” Mark runs a hand through his hair, the gel he put in earlier that night making it stick up at odd angles. It would be funny if Donghyuck didn’t want to absolutely throttle him.

“I _don’t_ have to be the center of everything, Mark, but I have never once made you my arm candy. I’ve never let anyone get away with making you uncomfortable like that.” He seethes. “I would never ask you to come to a cast party and just let you be bombarded. I wouldn’t let my coworkers make you feel like you let me feel.”

“It’s not like I had much of a choice tonight either.” Mark rumbles.

“You _absolutely_ had a choice—!”

“It was for my work!” Mark explodes, and Donghyuck knows now he’s good and riled up. He never yells unless he’s truly upset. “Do you know what it looks like when they throw me a party and my fucking _boyfriend_ doesn’t want to be there? When he acts like every conversation is like pulling teeth? I know they’re just strangers to you, but I spend forty hours a week with these people—!”

“I think forty hours is too modest, darling. Don’t forget the fact that you eat dinner with them more often than you do with me.” Donghyuck shakes his head, pushing off the bed and starting for the en suite.

“That is not true and you know it!” Mark follows him, standing in the doorway as he starts washing his face. “We _just_ celebrated our anniversary. That was dinner.”

“That was four months ago, Mark, and it was the _least_ you could do for three years without asking me to marry you.” His voice wavers, betraying how much it hurts him that Mark doesn’t even realize how long it’s been since they’ve last had a nice meal where nobody got mad. Damn it, damn everything. He rinses the soap out of his face and scrubs it down with the towel next to the sink.

“Is _that_ what this is about?” He scoffs. “You decide to embarrass me in front of my boss and colleagues because I haven’t proposed yet?”

“I embarrass you?” Donghyuck pulls the towel from his face, meeting Mark’s eyes for the first time since they got home. His boyfriend has the decency to feel guilty for approximately two seconds before the steely front of anger returns, and Donghyuck feels nauseous looking at this boy he loves despite how cold they’ve grown toward each other.

“Don’t twist my words.” Mark grunts, pushing off the doorframe to stalk back into their room. He rips off his party clothes in record time. Donghyuck pads to the door of the bathroom, poking his head out in time to watch Mark don a pair of sweats and a t-shirt.

“Where are you going?” His voice sounds small, even to his own ears.

“On a walk.” The chill in his tone is not new, but it doesn’t hurt any less each time it appears. “I need some air.”

“How long will you be?” Donghyuck leans against the door frame. The anger bleeds out of him the longer Mark stands there, silhouetted in the dimly lit bedroom. _Look at me_ , he pleads internally, unsure if it’s safe to say something so vulnerable to Mark at the moment.

“Don’t know. Probably a while.” Mark finishes fiddling with his socks before making for the door, tossing a “Don’t wait up for me.” over his shoulder as he goes.

This argument wasn’t so different from the ones they’ve been having more and more frequently, and yet they never ended like this.

Donghyuck knows he might deserve this anger, but the cruelty is just a slap in the face. Of course Donghyuck won’t be able to sleep without knowing Mark is okay. The front door’s slam echoes through their apartment, and while he knows time is passing, Donghyuck stays glued to the door frame, unable to comprehend the situation he is in. This isn’t who they are. This isn’t them. 

His phone buzzes on the nightstand, and he comes back to his own body, mechanically moving forward. His heart falls when he sees it isn’t Mark, but he takes some comfort in his best friend’s response to his SOS text sent earlier in the evening.

Sent (10:50pm)

Help, Mark’s secretary is staring

at his ass again, and his coworkers

are asking me about my job.

If I’m in the evening news

later tonight for homicide please 

let me hide out at your place?

Renjunnie (11:40pm)

That sounds terrible, Hyuck.

Have you at least made it home?

He lets out a chuckle that veers dangerously close to a sob, wondering how to even respond. He finally settles for a generic “Yeah, heading to bed now xo” before plugging his phone in for the night and sliding into the cold, lonely expanse of the sheets. He situates himself, settles in, closes his eyes… and he waits.

When Mark comes home hours later smelling of outdoors and smoke, Donghyuck doesn’t stir. He climbs under the covers and shivers as his cold limbs acclimate to the warm blankets. Donghyuck wonders if Mark will forgive him, so that _he_ can forgive _him_ in return, wonders if he will roll over with arms outstretched to hold him.

Almost as if he’s answering his thoughts, Mark turns to face his own side of the bed, back to Donghyuck. While Donghyuck is indeed a talented actor, Mark has always been able to tell when he’s really sleeping versus when he’s just pretending. It’s with a sinking feeling that Donghyuck realizes things really have changed between them, and for the worst.

5 months earlier.

Donghyuck feels his heart grow wings when Mark sweeps through the front door with a dozen red roses clutched in hand. His tie is crooked, probably because he ran from the metro again despite Donghyuck’s countless assurances that he can wait the additional two and a half minutes it would take for him to walk carefully. Mark bounds into the kitchen, wrapping an arm around his waist and kissing him.

“Happy anniversary, my love.” He smiles, and Donghyuck feels his face bloom with warmth as he accepts the flowers, their perfume billowing into the air around them until it’s all he can smell.

“Do we even have a vase?” Donghyuck muses, setting the bouquet aside to start digging through the cabinets. Mark shrugs, setting his briefcase on the dining table before disappearing into the bedroom. Donghyuck unearths a dusty vase leftover from Jeno and Jaemin’s centerpieces, which they had begged their friends to take off their hands as soon as the engagement party was over and they realized they weren't going to need thirty vases again.

“I’ve been excited for this all week.” Mark emerges from the bedroom, having changed from one suit jacket into another.

“You look awfully fancy.” Donghyuck comments, trying to keep the outright confusion from his voice. “Dressing to impress the drive-thru employee?”

“Actually, I booked us a reservation for a nicer place downtown, Taeil-hyung recommended it.” Mark smiles sheepishly. Donghyuck’s heart sinks, just a teeny bit.

“Oh.” He blinks. He turns to fill the vase with water, sticking the flowers in, hoping Mark didn’t see his face fall before he had the chance to redirect.

“Do— you don’t mind, do you?” Mark stands further back than he normally would. He’s been doing that a lot lately, keeping his distance. It gets under Donghyuck’s skin, makes him feel itchy and restless and _bothered,_ and not in the fun way.

“No, not at all.” He lies smoothly. Mark is trying to do something nice for him, it only makes sense that, as his pay grade increases, he wants to treat him to things they couldn’t afford to do in the past. With this in mind, Donghyuck turns back around, walking across the kitchen to plant a kiss on Mark’s cheek. “Help me figure out what to wear?”

“Yeah.” Mark is clearly relieved, pliantly following Donghyuck into the bedroom. It's moments like this that make Donghyuck remember the time before things had become stressful, back when it was simple. Mark and Donghyuck, Donghyuck and Mark. Two halves of a whole idiot, as Mark used to say. Things had been tense lately, but when Mark contentedly plopped backwards on the bed, humming and nodding and providing somewhat helpful commentary on which jacket suited which pair of black jeans... Donghyuck remembered that he loved his boyfriend.

Donghyuck loves his boyfriend, he reminds himself as the maitre d' seats them at a ridiculously pricey restaurant. He feels underdressed and unqualified to be sitting at such a grownup restaurant. Surely he must need to earn at least three more zeros on the end of his paycheck to make it through the door? But Mark simply shoots him a crooked smile as they sit down, turning to the waiter and ordering an expensive bottle of wine and instructing him to "Leave it at the table, please."

"Mark, can you really afford this?" Donghyuck tries to hide the alarm steadily crawling up his throat, the swell of anxiety as he looks over the short menu with astronomically high prices. Mark just smiles, the candle in the center of the table twinkling in his eyes. He simply reaches across the snowy expanse of the tablecloth, pulling Donghyuck's hand from the rigor-mortis grip he has on the leather-bound menu to massage the tension out of his fingers.

"Yes, Donghyuck." Mark smiles. "We will not be bankrupt after this meal."

"I sure hope so," Donghyuck mutters, "it would be a shame for us to make it three years only to break up."

"This really isn't even the place I wanted to take you," Mark sighs, "but you would have wrung my neck if I took you there."

"I cannot handle the idea of a restaurant more expensive than this." Donghyuck frowns at the menu in contemplation. There were a couple waiters standing by the kitchen door, just visible over Mark's shoulder. Their waiter said something to the other and they both chuckled while looking in their general direction, and while Donghyuck knows in his logical brain that they aren't talking about him, monkey brain was rife with insecurities and ready to rattle the cage and start slinging shit.

“Hyuck?” Mark calls his attention back, and Donghyuck realizes that he’s holding too much tension in his shoulders. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah, yeah everything is…” Donghyuck trails off, watching as the ice in the bucket melts and shifts, jostling the bottle of wine with the smallest _clack_. “I’m fine. Just thinking about how different our last anniversaries were.”

“What, drive thru and making out in the car?” The way Mark laughs sends a hairline fissure shooting through Donghyuck’s person. “We’re not horny college students anymore— I mean…” Mark at least has the good sense to blush. “We’re mature now, that’s all. We’ve grown.”

Donghyuck doesn’t want to think about the way Mark says “we” as if he isn’t talking about himself exclusively. The feeling of being left behind — of realizing that each passing day marks another way he doesn’t fit into Mark’s new life — has been creeping over him for the past few months, but never was it more stark to him than in this moment. The lit candle burns in his eyes even when they close, and Mark’s outline is there in silhouette, as well.

“Yeah.” Donghyuck nods. “Yeah, we _have_ grown.”

"Work's been busy." Mark says after a long, stilted pause. Donghyuck looks up from his frosted water goblet (because of course this place served water in fucking goblets).

"Yeah?" He replies, as if he doesn't already know that from how little he's seen his boyfriend as of late.

"Yeah, I got assigned the new Kim Gongmyung book, so it'll be a piece of cake to pitch to publishing houses, but he requires a lot of monitoring." Mark shakes his head. He looks tired, the candlelight doing little to mask his dark circles, but the sheer joy of doing what he loves makes his skin glow like warm honey,

"Is it another mystery?" Donghyuck bites. He hadn't been hoping to spend their anniversary dinner talking about Mark's job, but if it meant Mark carved out time to spend together... So be it.

"A space-opera romance, actually." Mark lights up, and from there it's an easy pattern, much like any of the other rare nights they spend together. Mark explains every aspect of his latest project, Donghyuck nods and hums in appropriate places, and reminds himself that he loves his boyfriend.

He loves his boyfriend, and so he says nothing when his order comes back wrong, picking around the onions he asked to be excluded. He loves his boyfriend, so he forfeits the chance to talk about how he's doing, how his last audition went. He doesn't speak up for the milkshakes he’d been hoping to grab on the way back when the waiter asks if they want dessert, watching mutely as Mark just says yes and orders something for them to share. He doesn't say anything as Mark takes the exit back to their apartment instead of the one a few miles ahead, the one leading to the overlook where they had spent their last two anniversaries. He says nothing at all when Mark’s kisses become more heated, when he presses him into the mattress with somewhat lacking passion. He presses kisses into Mark's collarbones as the elder hovers over him, watching the way the streetlight casts shadows on their bedroom ceiling until it’s done. 

He whispers "I love you" when they both finish, Mark planting a sleepy kiss on his forehead before rolling to the side and dozing off.

Donghyuck stands on shaky legs, padding to the en suite to clean himself up. He catches his own gaze in the mirror for a moment, and he contemplates himself for a moment. He's already taken off the makeup he applied for the evening, and while he doesn't look tired, he feels it deep down in his soul. He flicks off the bathroom light before shuffling back to the bed.

Mark, still mostly asleep, rolls over, an errant arm slinging across Donghyuck’s chest. Donghyuck grabs his hand, playing with his fingers as Mark snores softly beside him.

_Is this it?_ He wonders, staring up at the dark ceiling. _Is this what our lives are now?_

8 months earlier.

The cellophane wrap on the flowers sitting in Donghyuck’s lap crinkles with each minor jolt of the car, nearly deafening in the silence. Mark turns on the blinker, the clicking sound of it just off-beat enough to make him a bit crazy. Everything about the situation is making him crazy, if he’s honest.

He takes a deep breath. It does nothing to soothe him.

The restaurant isn’t far from the venue, thankfully. As Mark finds a parking spot and pulls in, Donghyuck can hear his cap and gown sliding across the leather seat where he’d thrown it after the ceremony, after everyone chose a spot to reconvene for a meal.

The car stops, and Mark heaves a sigh, running a hand over his face.

“Hyuck, I’m sorr—.” He doesn’t even get the full apology out of his mouth before Donghyuck shoves the door open, abandoning the bouquet from his parents on the passenger seat. He slams the door closed with equal force, stalking toward the restaurant door.

“Hyuckie! Over here!” Jaemin calls, Jeno waving enthusiastically beside him. Renjun and Lucas are sneaking glances at each other over their menus, much to Chenle and Jisung’s obvious delight. Donghyuck twists his face into his brightest smile, weaving his way through the restaurant to get to his friends.

“Hey man!” Xuxi beams, holding out an enormous hand to high five. “Congratulations again! Feels good to be done, huh?”

“I still can’t believe it.” He replies. Saying anything felt good right now would sound like the lie it is.

“Where’s Mark?” Jeno cranes his neck to peek over the heads of other patrons. Donghyuck swallows hard, pulling out a chair and sliding into it.

“Bathroom.” He shakes it off, turning to Chenle. “How’s it feeling knowing it’s going to be you graduating next year?”

“It looked boring.” Chenle darts a glance to Jisung, who is pouting just the tiniest bit. “Plus, it won’t even feel like I’ve graduated. I’ve already got a position lined up at my parent’s company here, so Jisungie and I will be staying in an apartment by campus anyway.”

“Sorry.” The chair beside Donghyuck slides out, the hair on the back of his neck prickling with mingled surprise and rage. He barely suppresses a snort. “I needed the bathroom.”

“Bro!” Xuxi crows, fist-bumping Mark. “Why didn’t you check your phone? We saved you a seat!”

“I got caught up in a work thing, I just slipped in the back and watched from there.” Donghyuck is glad to see his boyfriend at least has the wherewithal to blush. Renjun’s eyes snap up from the menu, gaze flickering between Mark and Donghyuck.

“Your job sounds exhausting.” Jeno shakes his head, eye-smile in full effect. “I thought college was the hard part, and working was going to be easy.”

“It’s just for now.” Mark takes a sip of his water. “Hopefully if I keep working hard, I’ll be able to advance eventually.”

“Still,” the look in Renjun’s eyes is downright chilling, “professional achievements don’t really have much meaning when you abandon your personal life.”

“I think I want to order the chili prawns! What do you think, babe?” Jaemin nudges Jeno, who is staring wide-eyed at Renjun. Jisung and Chenle also suddenly seem to find their menus very interesting. Mark clears his throat.

“Right.” He nods, the tips of his ears red. “That’s why I’m glad it’s only for a little while. So I can get back to having more free time.”

“Right.” Donghyuck smiles. “Junnie, what time are you heading back for the celebration this weekend? It was really nice of your parents to offer to hold us a joint celebration.”

Conversation picks back up, though Donghyuck finds himself contributing less and less as the emotions swirling around inside of him drain his social battery. Mark also doesn’t have much to say, picking at his food and laughing when appropriate. When the bill comes, Xuxi and Mark cover it as a graduation present for the four recent grads. Chenle and Jisung are delighted to piggyback off of their friends' achievements, cheerfully saying a quick round of goodbyes before heading back to campus.

“Wanna head to the bar with us?” Jaemin asks as they exit the restaurant, arm linked with Jeno’s. “Lucas and Renjun already agreed. It would be nice to hang out for a bit before summer gets crazy.”

“Mark has work in the morning.” Donghyuck shrugs, “And I need to start getting used to early call times.”

“Rehearsals are soon, hm?” Jeno claps him on the shoulder. “Congrats on scoring the part. Let us know when your opening performance is. We’d love to come.”

“Of course!” Donghyuck hears the car start up behind him. “Shoot, time to go. I’ll see you guys later.”

“Opening night,” Nana murmurs as they hug, squeezing him extra tight, “we promise.”

“You guys need to stop referring to yourselves in the singular.” Donghyuck laughs, ducking in to give Jeno a hug as well. “It’s weird.”

“It’ll be you soon enough.” He shrugs in response.

“Call me when you get home.” Renjun whispers, giving him a quick but meaningful hug.

“I will.” Donghyuck nods, turning to Xuxi. “Are you heading home?’

“I think I’ll join in for drinks, if you guys don’t mind?” The taller man steals a glance at Renjun, who is very pointedly examining his shoes. It does little to hide the pleased smile tugging at the corners of his lips.

“See you guys later.” Donghyuck waves one last time before heading to the car. His flowers are sitting on the back seat when he slides into his place. Mark shifts the gear into reverse.

“Buckle your seatbelt.” He sighs. The resounding _click_ of the buckle snapping into place is the only sound Donghyuck makes for the entirety of the drive.

The apartment is cold when they get back. Donghyuck makes a beeline for the bedroom, his cap and gown bundled in his arms with the flowers nestled on top. He dumps his regalia on the bed, flinging open the closet to find a hanger.

“Can we talk?” Mark hovers in the door, and Donghyuck feels his rage come roaring back to life.

“Why are you standing there? Are you a guest or something?” He snaps, wrestling his stupid gown onto a flimsy metal hanger from the drycleaner Mark frequents. He manhandles it onto the rack, tossing his cap onto the top shelf before closing the door.

“I know you’re upset—.” Mark starts. Donghyuck’s laugh is bitter as it fills his mouth.

“Upset is an understatement, Mark.” He rubs his hand over his face, raking it through his hair. “I get that you’re trying to become this big, hotshot agent. I understand, and I support you, but do you know how it feels when my own fucking boyfriend is so late to my graduation, he almost misses seeing me walk?”

“I know, I fucked up.” Mark lowers himself onto the bed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “You don’t know how sorry I am, Hyuck. You don’t.”

“No, I don’t have the faintest idea, because I wouldn’t do this to you.”

“That’s not fair.” Mark’s head snaps up, brows furrowed. “I didn’t mean to—.”

“No, Mark, you never mean to,” Donghyuck hates the tears burning in his eyes, blurring his vision, “and yet you do. All the time.”

“What do you want me to say, then?” Mark sighs. “Since ‘sorry’ clearly isn’t enough anymore.”

“I don’t _want_ you to say anything!” Donghyuck leans his back to the wall, sliding to sit on the floor, wrapping his arms around his knees. “I’m not just some problem for you to solve, Mark. There’s no perfect thing you can say right now to make my feelings go away.”

“That’s not what I’m saying—!” Mark groans, running a hand through his hair.

“I was looking for you, you know.” He hates the way his voice breaks, hates that he can’t hold the tears back any longer. “When I went across that stage, I thought about how you said you were so nervous to walk. That you were afraid to fall. But then you looked up when you heard me cheering and you felt reassured.”

There’s a long silence, filled only with the sounds of Donghyuck’s sniffling and the low hum of the air conditioner. Mark’s guilt feels like a third person in the room, observing quietly while slowly sucking all the oxygen from the space.

“I didn’t know where to look for you.” He eventually continues. “I could hear Xuxi cheering with Chenle and Jisung. I could hear Jeno and Jaemin and Injun going nuts in the graduate seating… But I needed _you_.”

“Hyuck, I…” Mark slides off the bed, shuffling forward on his knees until he’s knelt right in front of him. His hands cradle Donghyuck’s face. “I can’t say anything to make it right, or to make you stop hurting, but I want you to know that I’m _sorry_. I hate that you’re crying because of me. I hate that I let you down on your big day, and I wasn’t there for you like you were for me. It’s killing me.”

“I know.” He sniffles pathetically. Mark rubs his tears away, thumbs resting on his closed eyelids.

“I’ll try harder.” Mark’s voice is rough with emotion. “I’ll do better, Donghyuck, I promise. I— nothing is more important to me than you are, sunshine. You have to know that.”

“Mark.” Donghyuck pushes off the wall, onto his knees, throwing himself into the safest arms he knows.

“I know I messed up my priorities, I know.” Mark holds him so tight, he can feel the broken pieces in him squeezing back together. “I never want to hurt you like this again.”

“I forgive you.” Donghyuck whispers into his neck, fingers twisted into the fabric of Mark’s dress shirt. 

“Thank you.” He presses a kiss into the side of Donghyuck’s head.

“I want to go to bed now.” Donghyuck mumbles into Mark’s shoulder.

“Yeah,” Mark nods, “yeah we can do that.”

Donghyuck is tucked into bed, the lights are switched off. Slowly, he drifts off, Mark’s arms tight around him as he loses himself to sleep.

When he wakes up, he’s alone. There’s a rustling coming from the closet.

“Mark?” He croaks, voice still raspy with exhaustion. “Why are you up?”

“Shit, did I wake you?” Mark sighs, coming around the bed to sit on the edge, running a hand through Donghyuck’s hair. “I have to take care of a couple things really quick. Taeil-hyung said it wouldn’t even take an hour, and I wanted to get you some pastries from that bakery you love. As an apology.”

“You’ll be back?” Donghyuck is still too ensnared in the gauzy haze of sleep to understand why his heart pangs.

“Promise.” Mark presses a kiss to his forehead. “I’ll be back before you even wake up again.”

“Mmkay.” He sighs. The door clicks shut, and he spirals backward into his dreams again.

He wakes again at noon. Mark is not home.

9 months earlier.

When the apartment doorbell rings, Donghyuck makes a valiant effort not to fly across the living room to answer it. If the door hits the wall when he flings it open, however, there's really nothing to be done. Renjun dives into his arms and even though he's tiny, he is powerful; like an extra strength ibuprofen.

"It's been too long." Renjun mutters into his shoulder, pulling away only to smack him on the bicep. “Answer my texts every once in a while, bitchass.”

"Ow! Fucker." Donghyuck glowers for a moment before he's grinning once more, pulling the bottle of wine out of his best friend's hands. "The only reason you're allowed to cross this threshold is because you come bearing booze."

"Not because of the lifelong friendship?" Renjun rolls his eyes, toeing off his Vans before breezing through to plop onto the couch. 

"God no." Donghyuck snorts, skirting around the back of the couch and into the kitchen, placing the wine in the fridge to chill before coming back and laying across Renjun's lap.

"Hello." Renjun pats his head, running his fingers through the strands and scratching along his scalp in a way that makes Donghyuck want to dissipate into a fine mist.

"Hi." Donghyuck mutters, eyes sliding shut. "Keep doing that."

"Okay." Renjun chuckles. "What's up with you? Why have you been bugging me to come over so much lately?"

"Is it bugging you?" Donghyuck peels open one eye to glance up at the other, though he doesn't really care. Renjun signed up to be bugged for the rest of his life when he became nextdoor neighbors with Hyuck in fifth grade. Poor bastard hadn't stood a chance.

"Of course, I am a very busy person. My precious time is in high demand." He tugs lightly on the strands, earning a disgruntled whine from Donghyuck, "What's Mark been up to lately? Are we waiting for him?" 

"He's a bigshot literary agent now, so it's another long night at the office for him." Donghyuck tries to hide the acidity behind a laugh, pulling himself back into an upright position. He leans back against the cushion, and Renjun follows suit, their shoulders bumping together.

"Has that been happening a lot lately?" Renjun asks, hesitant. Like he isn't sure he wants the answer.

"More than I'd like, but you know me." Donghyuck shakes his head, smiling. "I'm like Tinkerbell. I'll die without attention. That's why you're here! I made dinner and everything.”

“Hyuck…” Renjun’s mouth thins into a line, his eyes taking on a pitying quality that Donghyuck does not have headspace to deal with while sober. He snags the remote off of the coffee table, shoving it unceremoniously into Renjun’s ravioli-sized baby hands.

“Pick something to watch while we eat and drink my feelings, mm?” Donghyuck instructs before heading back to the kitchen. He takes his time doling out portions of fried rice into bowls, grabbing a couple of wine glasses from the cabinet. Balancing it all is a delicate act, but he makes it to the table in one piece. Relatively. There are a few fallen grains of rice that will definitely be making an appearance on the bottoms of his socks at some point in the next week.

“We’re watching the new Do Kyungsoo movie,” Renjun announces as Donghyuck sets the bowls on the coffee table, flopping back onto the couch and wriggling into his side. “It’s a horror film, apparently there’s a social commentary hidden somewhere in the gore.”

“I can’t wait to pretend I get it and then look up a bunch of theories online afterward.” Donghyuck nods solemnly, uncorking the wine and giving both himself and his best and oldest friend a generous pour. Upon first sip, Donghyuck glances at the label, his heart turning gooey when he realized it was his favorite. Nothing fancy — they were both still finishing undergrad, after all — but the fact that Renjun forewent his own preference for drier drinks… Donghyuck was lucky.

“So, we have our food and you are working on not being sober,” Renjun turns the volume down on the tv as the opening credits begin. “Why don’t you tell me what’s going on with you and Canada.”

“Nothing’s going on, Injun.” Donghyuck sighs, setting down his glass to scoop up his bowl of fried rice, picking at it with his spoon. His appetite is disappearing rapidly. 

“I’m not blind, Hyuck.” His friend shakes his head, “I _know_ you. I could tell the moment you opened the door that it’s just been you in this apartment for longer than you want to admit. Lord knows none of us have seen Mark in months.”

“I mean, the only reason I see him is because I live here.” Donghyuck aims at a joking tone, but it sours on his tongue, the bitter sentiments sinking deep into his heart. He picks up his wine glass again, swirling it before downing the contents in one go. He pours another. Renjun’s hand darts out and grabs his wrist when the glass reaches halfway full, and the look on his best friend’s face is damn near heartbreaking.

“Donghyuck.” Renjun frowns.

“Sorry we haven’t been able to hang out, though.” Donghyuck shakes his head, setting the bottle down. His hands flutter for a moment, needing something to do before he folds them in his lap, picking at hangnails. “It’s just… busy. It feels like you see more of me just because of school, and Mark doesn’t really get to be on campus now that he has his job and stuff, but he misses you guys. He does.”

“Hyuckie, when was the last time Mark came home?” His voice takes on a gentle, velvety quality, like he’s speaking to a wounded animal.

“He was here yesterday, while I was at school. But we got to see each other for a second while I was coming home and he was getting ready to head back to the office.” Donghyuck shrugs, “He’s got a big project going on, he said. I guess it’s been keeping his whole team in the office, but if he proves himself on this one, he might get to take on bigger projects on his own. It’s so great, I’m really proud of him.”

“You don’t have to _just_ be proud of him, you know.” Renjun says after a moment, when the silence has lasted a couple beats too long.

“But I am—!”

“I know, I know you are.” Renjun nods, soothing, so soothing. “You are so proud of him, Donghyuck, but you are also allowed to be sad. You can be jealous. You can be mad, if you need.” 

“I already told you it’s fine.” Donghyuck shakes his head, pushing Renjun’s gentle hands from where they hold his own. “I _am_ jealous, but it’s my thing. I need to get over it. I love him, Injun, and part of loving him is loving his dreams. He loves his job, and yeah, it’s taking over all of his time, but I told him to go for it and I’m not going back on that, even if—!” He only barely manages to clench his jaw down, stopping the words before they pour out of him.

“The only way to get better is to get it out, Hyuck.” Renjun, psych student extraordinaire, fixes his sad eyes on him. “It’s okay. I promise, it’s okay.”

“Mark loves me.” Donghyuck hates the way his lower lip is quivering, the way his vision blurs with hot tears.

“He does.” Renjun nods.

“He loves me, but sometimes lately I’m not sure if he loves me as much as he loves succeeding.” It makes him sick to his stomach to admit the thought that has been haunting him for weeks now, but then his arms are full of Renjun, and he’s just cooing in Donghyuck’s ear and petting his hair.

“You’re alright.” Renjun hums, pressing Donghyuck’s face into his shoulder. His hoodie smells like safety, childhood, the certainty of their relationship. His nimble fingers card their way through his hair, and Donghyuck leans into it. He hadn’t realized how touch-starved he had become, but he supposes he’s been turning a blind eye to a lot of things, recently.

Later, when his heart feels less raw and the tears have subsided, Donghyuck sits up. Renjun sends him a small smile, wiping the remaining dampness from Donghyuck’s face.

“Thank you.” Donghyuck sighs, leaning into the couch. He tucks one leg under the other, angling to face his best friend. “God knows I can’t afford therapy, so I guess I’m grateful for you.”

“It’s not for free,” Renjun snorts, “I’m definitely using this in my senior case study.”

“Anonymous?” Donghyuck grins.

“We’ll see.” He sniffs daintily, reaching for the wine bottle. He pours himself a generous glass, and Donghyuck wonders how he missed him finishing the first glass. He pauses, then sends Donghyuck a sideways glance. “You can always talk to me, Hyuck.”

“I know.” He smiles, cuddling into the elder’s side just a bit. “Same to you, Injunnie.” 

“Good.” He presses a swift kiss to Donghyuck’s forehead, where it rests against Renjun’s shoulder, before turning back to the movie. “I don’t have a fucking clue what’s going on in this.”

“Me either.” Donghyuck shrugs, emptying the bottle of wine before heading to the kitchen to grab the one he had left in the fridge. It was one of Mark’s new favorites — a coworker had shown it to him. Expensive but sour, Donghyuck could only bear to drink it after the sweet stuff ran out. Popping the cork, he flops back down onto the couch, snuggling into Renjun’s side. “Let’s just watch _Running Man_ , hm?”

They drink until the bottle runs out, and fall asleep entangled on the couch sometime around eleven. Donghyuck is certain if their freshman selves could see them now, they would look downright geriatric. He can’t muster the strength to be bothered, however, because if he must grow old, at least he will do it next to Renjun. 

When the front door _snicks_ open in the wee hours of the morning, Donghyuck rouses. The sun is just barely over the horizon, and he’s eighty percent certain he’s still drunk. Mark pads around the corner from the entryway, jumping when he sees Donghyuck’s ruffled head peeking over the couch. The younger boy holds a finger to his lips, slipping out of Renjun’s hold gently. 

“Welcome home.” He whispers, winding lanky arms around Mark’s neck. Mark graces him with a tired smile and a gentle kiss, the tension in his shoulders receding as Donghyuck peppers kisses on his jaw and neck.

“Making good use of the wine collection, I see.” Mark chuckles, eyes landing on the empty bottles on the coffee table.

“Injunnie and I had a movie night.” Donghyuck swallows the guilt as memories of their conversation replay in his mind. He shakes his head, feigning a shiver as he lets his arms fall back to his sides. Mark’s thumb traces one last circle on his hip before he steps away, stretching.

“I need to take a shower before going back.” He rubs a hand over his eyes, the dark circles beginning to resemble bruises against his pale skin. “I can’t wait for this project to be done, you have no idea.”

“I think I can imagine.” Donghyuck rolls his eyes good-naturedly, stepping closer to rub a thumb under his boyfriend’s eye, cursing the visible symptoms of sleep deprivation. “You love it, though. Your job.”

“I’m a glutton for punishment.” Mark smiles, shrugging. Donghyuck huffs, but an arm encircles his waist and tugs him into the elder’s embrace, “But I’m in need of some relaxation right now, or I might combust. Speaking of which… care to join me in the shower?”

“Renjun is literally still asleep on the couch.” Donghyuck chuckles as Mark pouts.

“I forgot.” Mark sighs, wheedling a final kiss out of his boyfriend before padding further down the hall.

“Maybe you’ll be motivated to come home tonight, then?” Donghyuck leans against the wall, tilting his head.

“I’ll try.” Mark hums noncommittally, and Donghyuck tries to push down the sourness rising within him at the clear dismissal.

“Oh, by the way,” Donghyuck rights himself, shuffling down the hall into the room. Mark’s shirt is already over his head, his hair ruffled on top like a cockatiel when he emerges. It’s cute. “Jun and I were saying last night that it’s been a while since everyone got together.”

“Has it been that long since the engagement party?” Mark blinks, eyes glazing over as he figures the calculations.

“Almost six months.” Donghyuck smiles, rubbing at the back of his neck. “What do you think about hosting a get together? We have the space, and it’ll be good to see everyone outside of campus.”

The thing about awkward silences, Donghyuck had come to learn, is that sometimes it’s hard to recognize one until it’s gone on for too long.

“Yeah.” Mark nods, and Donghyuck hates the way he looks like he’s already crafting his future excuse to skip it. “Maybe when work calms down a little bit. Sounds fun.”

“Of course.” Donghyuck nods, taking a step back. “Whenever work slows down.”

“I want to, for sure. But right now… you know how it is, Hyuck.” Mark has never been a great liar, but never before has he tried to lie right to his face like this.

“Yeah. I do.” He smiles, making for the door. “I’ll let you shower, then.”

The sun is starting to come through the windows in the living room as Donghyuck slides back onto the couch. In his sleep, Renjun clings onto him like an octopus. Donghyuck clings right back, adjusting the plush throw so it covers him as well. As his best friend snores softly in his ear, he comes to a realization.

There was a time during freshman year when his favorite jeans had grown tight. He had lived in denial for weeks about it, continuing to wear them despite the discomfort. However, to his eventual devastation, they ripped in the middle of a class on stage fighting, and they had gone in the trash immediately after. As silly as it was, he felt betrayed by these jeans that had been with him through so much of high school only to quit on him in this new season of life… But not fitting wasn’t a betrayal. The jeans didn’t mean to not fit, he just wasn’t a teenager anymore, and while his body had changed, the jeans simply couldn’t.

Donghyuck wondered if Mark wasn’t outgrowing their friend group, and if he wouldn’t eventually outgrow their relationship, as well.

1 year earlier.

There was little that Donghyuck hated more than being cold, but as he shivers in the front seat of Mark’s mother’s maroon sedan, he decides that maybe death by hypothermia would be okay as long as he was with the love of his life. Mark cranks the heater, but glacial air continues to pour from the vents as the car engine putters in the driveway.

“Sorry, it’s still warming up.” Mark grins, and Donghyuck feels warmth bloom in his chest. Mark’s exhale of embarrassment is visible in the frozen Vancouver air, and both boys giggle at the sight. “It’s so much colder here than I remember. Here, take my scarf. Your nose is turning red.”

“It’s fine—!” Donghyuck’s protest is muffled as the red scarf with a maple leaf decal on the end is wound around his neck, tucked into the collar of his padded coat by Mark’s equally frigid fingers.

“There.” Mark smiles, pressing a kiss to the tip of Donghyuck’s nose. “Can’t have the sun freezing on me, can I?”

“I love you.” Donghyuck can’t help the way the words fall from his lips without permission. The voice in his head — the one that sounds a hell of a lot like Renjun — gags obnoxiously. Mark just ruffles his hair.

“I sure hope so.” He puts the car in gear, slinging an arm over the seat to reverse out of the driveway. “We’ve only been together for two and a half years.”

“Fuck off, Mark Lee.” Donghyuck scoffs and considers it a small blessing that the car is at least warm enough that he can’t see it. “See if I’m ever sweet to you again in this lifetime.”

“Lee Donghyuck, even at your sweetest, you are still spicy.” Mark laughs, digging his phone out of his pocket and handing it to the pouting boy in the passenger’s seat. “Of course I love you, too.” 

“You better.” Donghyuck swipes the android from his hands, typing in the code he’s had memorized since their third month together. “Where are we going?”

“The aquarium.” Mark slides a hand off the wheel, placing it on Donghyuck’s knee. “We can figure out something to do for dinner while we’re in Stanley Park afterward, but I think we should spend today looking at some fish.”

“We could look at fish in Korea, too.” He laughs, plugging the location into the GPS app regardless.

“Canadian fish are different,” Mark attempts a wink, but winds up just blinking, “trust me.”

The fish, as it turns out, are not so different in Canada. That being said, the picture they take after entering is adorable, and they choose the shark background before buying wallet-sized prints to carry with them. Mark is absolutely beaming, pointing at which exhibits were his favorite growing up, talking about field trips and special outings with his parents and elder brother. Donghyuck is more than content to hold his hand and be dragged around from tank to tank, sure to take plenty of pictures to send over Kakao to their friends. It’s during lunch by the dolphin tank when Mark seems to grow sentimental.

“I love you.” He says around a mouthful of fries, his greasy fingers sliding between Hyuck’s. “I love being here with you.”

“Romantic.” He snorts, but he holds fast to Mark’s hand.

“Don’t joke.” Mark pouts, swallowing his food before continuing. “I just think there’s something about having the person you love so much visit the place you grew up in. Like, I don’t know. I feel like I’m overwhelmed with how happy this makes me. Does that make sense?”

“Corny.” Donghyuck mumbles, but he knows his cheeks are bright red with the way they’re burning. “You’re a sap.”

“All that to say,” Mark grins, brushing a (now clean) hand across Donghyuck’s cheek, “thank you for organizing this. It’s probably the best anniversary present you could have given me.”

“I can only afford it because I live in my sugar daddy’s apartment rent-free.” Donghyuck shrugs, taking a long sip of his cola while Mark splutters.

“I’m only a year older than you!” He gapes.

“Sugar daddy status is a matter of wallet, not necessarily wisdom.” Donghyuck replies sagely. Mark flicks his forehead.

“Gross. You’re gross. I’m not your sugar daddy.” He mutters.

“Say whatever you want, daddy. You bought lunch.” Donghyuck chuckles before Mark’s palm smacks into his shoulder.

The gift shop is absolute chaos, and Donghyuck resorts to holding onto the tail of Mark’s old, stretched-out red Vancouver shirt in order to stay together.

“We need to get something for each of the kids.” He reminds his boyfriend as he navigates through narrow aisles full of families. “We can probably get just one thing for both Jaemin and Jeno since they’re legally becoming one person soon.”

“That is not how marriage works, but points for creativity.” Mark laughs, hand darting out to catch a glass figurine as it begins to topple off the shelf, bumped by a child careening through the opposite aisle. “Okay, we need a game plan. Are we doing individual, thoughtful gifts, or the same for everyone so we don’t get complaints?”

“The second one,” Donghyuck snorts, “obviously.”

“Right. We will never hear the end of it if Chenle thinks he got snubbed.” Mark sighs, stopping by a keychain display. “Do these look okay?”

“Yes, but we should get different animals for each of them.” Donghyuck spins the carousel. “I’ll take Renjun, Jeno, and Jisung.”

“You’re leaving me with the picky ones?” Mark blinks, betrayed.

“And Xuxi!” Donghyuck snickers, “He won’t care as long as you get him something.”

“It’s not him I’m worried about, you know what happened the last time I missed the mark on Chenle’s birthday.” Mark huffs, aggressively sorting through the keychains. “And don’t even get me started on Jaemin, he has a sixth sense for gifts. This is too much pressure.”

“Just pick out something nice and make up a reason why later.” Donghyuck shrugs, sorting through the manatee keychains, “I can’t hold your hand every time you have to give a gift. What about when we have kids? Are you going to make me pick out birthday and Christmas presents alone?”

“Kids?” Mark blinks, and Donghyuck feels his face absolutely ignite into flames.

“I, uh.” He scrambles for something to say, but comes up blank. “I’m getting Renjun this manatee.”

“Donghyuck, I—.” The elder is immediately cut off as a random white kid bumps into him as she runs down the aisle, pushing him into the keychain display. Donghyuck catches it just before it topples, and Mark sighs in relief.

“Close call.” Donghyuck mutters.

“We’re not done talking about this,” Mark shoots him a look, somehow both strict and tender, “but for our personal safety, we need to have this conversation somewhere else.”

The final tally includes a matching set of otter keychains for the soon-to-be Na-Lees, a manatee for Renjun, a beluga whale for Xuxi, and matching starfishes for Chenle and Jisung.

“He won’t mind matching if it’s with Jisung, trust me.” Donghyuck smiles as they exit the gift shop. Stanley Park is unusually quiet, the grey clouds hovering above dark and heavy with the promise of rain. Mark takes his hand, swinging the bag from the gift shop in his other hand as he leads them down a quieter path lined by tall pines. The only sound is their sneakers crunching the gravel as they meander.

“It’s okay if you didn’t mean it.” Mark finally says, the words coming from him with such force, it sounds as if they escaped against his will. “What you said in the gift shop. It’s fine.”

“Of course I meant it.” Donghyuck sighs, slowing his steps. He squeezes Mark’s hand until he, too, slows down. The elder turns to look at him, and he offers a small smile. “We’ve talked about getting married, haven’t we?”

“Yeah, I guess…” Mark shakes his head, smiling, “It seems so obvious, I guess I just didn’t realize kids were part of the deal.”

“You don’t—?” Donghyuck feels his stomach drop. This isn’t a deal breaker, but it’s not _not_ a deal breaker.

“No, I do! I want kids.” Mark laughs, pulling Donghyuck closer. “I want kids with _you_ , of course.”

“Good.” Donghyuck sighs into Mark’s chest, his nose squished against the taller’s collarbone. “You’re not allowed to have them with anyone else.”

“Likewise.” Mark presses a kiss into his hairline before grabbing his hand, resuming their walk. “I always thought I would come back here after graduating, settle down with someone, raise my kids in Canada. It’s funny how plans change.”

“You wanted to move back here?” Donghyuck blinks. Two years together and this is news to him.

“Yeah, I did.” Mark shrugs, “I guess I found a few pretty good reasons to stay in Korea.”

“True,” Donghyuck nods, “there’s no way you would get a job offer like the one you have now if you lived here.”

“I was talking about _you_.” Mark scoffs, “Can I please be romantic for, like, two seconds?”

“Not allowed.” Donghyuck presses a kiss to his shoulder, over the padded coat he’s wearing, squeezing his hand. Mark places their linked fingers in his pocket, protecting them from the cold. The trail curves around, and Donghyuck can see the parking lot through the trees ahead. 

“Race you to the car?” Mark barely gets the words out before he takes off.

“Cheaters never prosper!” Donghyuck cries, following hot on his tail. Mark pretends to get a leg cramp, Donghyuck pretends not to notice and proceeds to lord it over him. Truly, they were made for each other. 

“Dinner?” Mark slings an arm over the back of the seat, reversing out of the spot. Donghyuck begins to reply, but is cut off by Mark’s phone buzzing in his hand. The navigation screen has disappeared, a phone number taking over the screen.

“Oh, it’s work.” Donghyuck blinks, “Want me to answer and tell them you’ll call them back?”

“No, I better get it.” Mark sighs, pulling the car back into the spot and sliding to answer. “Hello? Oh, hey hyung.”

Donghyuck holds back a sigh, willing his stomach not to grumble as he pulls up a random game on his phone. He tunes out, not wanting to eavesdrop, but he can feel Mark’s eyes sliding over to him occasionally. The elder’s voice drifts more and more toward reluctance the longer the conversation winds on, finally landing in resignation by the time the conversation begins to wrap up. Donghyuck is scrolling through Twitter, rereading the same tweet he has already seen four times, by the time Mark finally hangs up.

“Safe to assume we’re not having dinner, then?” He smiles. Mark rubs a hand over his face.

“Yeah, it’s an emergency, they need me to do some things remotely I guess. I’m sorry, I know it’s our last night. It just…” Mark sighs, and his breath is a visible puff hanging in the space between them.

“I get it.” Donghyuck takes his hand. “It’s only until it slows down, don’t worry. Plus, this is an anniversary gift trip, it’s only right that we have drive-thru food at some point.”

“I’m sorry. I love you. You’re the absolute best.” Mark peppers kisses between each sentence, continuing to peck at Donghyuck’s cheeks and nose and eyelids until he pushes him away, laughing too hard to continue.

“I love you too, stupid.” Donghyuck sighs as Mark starts up the car, the heater blessedly coming back to life. “Now, feed me.”

“Anything you want, Duckie.” Mark squeezes his hand.

The rain starts coming down when they’re back in the city, running down the windows and blurring the passing lights. Even for it’s small disappointment, Donghyuck loves this moment, loves the boy he’s with. He wouldn’t trade this for anything.

Besides, it’s not like Mark will let this happen again.

1 year, 4 months earlier.

Donghyuck shivers, leaning into Mark’s warmth. The arm around his waist tightens, drawing him in, and he can’t help the smile that blossoms on his face. The air is cold, the chilly fingers of winter surrounding everything around them as the sun sinks below the horizon. Still, there’s a hint of warmth that declares spring is coming. The newly engaged couple were off in the last moments of sunlight, undoubtedly being coached by Jaemin’s mom into various silly poses that turned out actually beautiful in the “save the date” cards.

“Do you need my coat?” Mark rubs his shoulder, generating warmth through the friction until they enter the steamy warmth of the greenhouse. It’s crowded, and searching for the table with their name cards is going to be a nightmare.

“I should be fine.” Donghyuck smiles, “You’re going to need something to whip off the moment the dance floor opens and you’ve powered through a couple flutes of champagne.”

“I told you that’s not going to happen.” Mark flushes, clearing his throat before changing the subject. “Leave it to Jaemin to plan their engagement party in a massive indoor botanical garden. I can’t imagine how hard they’re gonna ball out for the wedding.”

“Jeno’s family is excited, and Jaemin was only enabling them.” Donghyuck shakes his head, hooking their arms to slide his hand into the elder’s. Their fingers tangle together and Donghyuck’s heart feels so very full.

“Gross.” Jisung slides in between the two of them, hooking his arm with Donghyuck’s and steering him closer to where Jaemin and Jeno’s table is. It’s on a platform, with roses and rose petals arranged all around it. Donghyuck can’t decide if it’s gaudy or gorgeous. “Our table is over here, hyungs, next to the lovebirds. Try to keep it rated PG, god knows they won’t.”

“Holding hands is hardly R-rated.” Donghyuck rolls his eyes, digging a finger into the younger’s side. He squirms away, laughing.

“Considering you guys are up next for getting married,” Chenle materializes next to Mark, smiling in a way that is both cute and threatening, “we can probably give you a pass.”

“I— we— What are you—?” Mark gapes at Chenle, who dissolves into laughter almost immediately.

“Are you sure you want all of your friends to get married?” Donghyuck pinches Chenle’s ear, pulling him away from a bright-red Mark, “Who will be left to get junk food at the convenience store with you at two in the morning? Hm?”

“First of all, we’re _engaged_.” Jaemin quips, towing Jeno behind him as he approaches the table. “Second, that doesn’t mean we’re going to become geriatrics when we tie the knot.”

“By whose standards?” Jisung mutters, earning a swift cheek pinch from Jeno. “Ow!”

“You two,” Chenle’s finger darts between Donghyuck and Mark, “are not off the hook. That being said, I see that the bar is open, so Jisung and I will take our leave.”

“I’m actually kind of wanting to eat firs— okay.” Jisung pivots mid-sentence, stumbling behind his shorter counterpart. 

“Off the hook for what?” Jeno blinks in the way that usually makes Jaemin coo at him like a little puppy.

“The kids are trying to sell me off into marriage.” Donghyuck sighs dramatically, leaning onto Mark for support. He’s promptly shoved away, and he conjures his best pout as recompense. “You two deciding to get engaged out of the blue has been a real strain on our relationship, by the way. My mom keeps asking when we’re going to get married.”

“She does?” Mark pales, if that’s even possible, and Donghyuck squeezes his hand.

“She wants to make sure you make an honest man out of me.” He bats his eyes, “Don’t worry, I told her we’re waiting til after I graduate. I wanna focus on school.”

“To be fair,” Jaemin leers, “you’ve been together longer than we have.”

“You were childhood best friends, anyone with eyes could see you’ve been in love with each other for years.” Donghyuck sighs. “Plus, you’re both Korean nationals. _I_ need to make sure this isn’t a green card relationship. Mark might just be with me for my citizenship.”

“You caught me.” Mark replies drily, rolling his eyes to suppress a grin. Donghyuck leans in and plants an indulgent, smacking kiss on his cheek, and the smile _blooms_. 

“How was your anniversary, by the way?” Jeno pipes up, snagging a flute of champagne off the tray of a passing waiter and handing it to Jaemin, who looks absolutely thrilled and rosy. Donghyuck guesses it’s not his first glass of the night. “It was last week, right?”

“Let me guess,” Chenle reappears with Renjun and Jisung in tow, each holding a flute of champagne. Jisung’s is untouched, and Donghyuck would bet Mark’s entire bank account that he’s just going to pass it off to Chenle when the elder finishes his own, “you ate fast food at the makeout place again and cried about how much you love each other?”

“The overlook is not a _makeout place_ you gremlin.” Donghyuck rolled his eyes. “But yes, we did. Go there, that is. We didn’t cry.”

“Donghyuck cried.” Mark neatly dodges the smack Donghyuck throws at him. 

“Only because you cried over my gift.” Donghyuck hisses.

“Didn’t you start a new job, Mark?” Renjun smiles serenely. “You should take Duckie out and do something nice.”

“I—”

“That’s not a suggestion, that’s a command.” Renjun’s smile becomes more… baring teeth. Donghyuck fears for his boyfriend for just a moment before he remembers that he himself is about twice as feral as anyone else in their group of friends (except for Chenle, obviously) and Mark can fend for himself.

“Anniversaries are more about being together than what you do, Renjunnie.” Jaemin ruffles the shorter’s hair.

“What were you saying about a new job, hyung?” Donghyuck knows that, logically, there will be a situation that Jeno can’t eye-smile his way out of. Thankfully this isn’t that day, and the crescents are out in full force, dissipating any residual tension. “Where at?”

Mark’s eyes light up. Donghyuck can’t help the warmth that flows through him, watching his dream boy talk about getting his dream job. He couldn’t be more proud. 

“It’s this literary agency, I’m not a full-fledged agent or anything, but I’m on my way.” Mark flushes, reaching for the flute of champagne the waiter offers him. “The hours have been a little long and honestly, I don’t make much. That’s why Hyuck and I had a lowkey anniversary.”

“But he’s getting promoted soon.” Donghyuck shrugs, trying to keep the smugness out of his tone. Judging by Mark’s face, he’s failing. Oh well. “And I like our anniversary tradition anyway. It’s sweet. Also I hate any restaurant that requires me to dress nice in order to eat there.”

“Maybe next year.” Mark shrugs, sliding an arm around his shoulders.

“I think your mom is trying to signal to us that dinner is starting.” Jaemin sighs, nudging Jeno. “We better get to our spot. You’re all sitting together. Try not to have too much fun without us.”

Just then, the catering team begins carrying out plates of expensive and delicious looking food, and the guests hustle to their seats straight away. The photographer meanders his way through, snapping photos of people laughing and talking, but primarily focusing on how Jeno and Jaemin interact. Donghyuck couldn’t wait for Jaemin to send the dropbox folder to the group chat — it was never too early to poach ideas for his own future, after all.

“Are you thinking about having an engagement party here, too?” Mark whispers, startling him.

“How did you know?” He laughs, taking a sip of water before cutting into his steak.

“I know you.” Mark shrugs. Donghyuck looks into wide brown eyes, his heart absolutely melting.

“Yeah, you do.” Donghyuck smiles. Mark knows him better than anyone in this world. Except maybe Renjun, but such is the privilege of childhood friends who don’t end up falling in love. 

Mark has work the next morning, so they leave shortly after the meal concludes. Jaemin accuses them of dining and dashing, but Donghyuck knows it stems from disappointment from not getting to see drunk Mark hit the dance floor. Donghyuck shares this disappointment, but it quickly vanishes with Mark’s hand on his thigh, warm through the fabric of his dress pants as they hit the freeway.

The moment the apartment door closes, Mark is on him, mouth searing as he kisses down the column of his neck. Donghyuck can hear his own voice, high, needy, but he can’t be bothered to quiet down. Not when Mark is quickly ridding the both of them of their fancy clothes, carrying him down the hallway.

Afterwards, when Mark has cleaned the both of them up with a damp rag from the bathroom, Donghyuck curls into his boyfriend’s side and clings tightly to him. Mark chuckles, pulling him closer.

“You’re like a koala.” He sighs, words slurred as he teeters on the edge of sleep. Callused fingers play with the bracelet on Donghyuck’s wrist, rubbing a thumb over the engraving on the back of the moon pendant. 

“As if you mind.” Donghyuck snorts, shuffling closer. Things go quiet then, just for a moment. Donghyuck can feel Mark shifting around, still awake, his heart beating a little too fast to be relaxed.

“Hey.” Mark murmurs. “Are you still awake?”

“What is this, a sleepover?” He giggles, and Mark, of course, joins in.

“Wait, I want to ask you something.” There’s just a note of whining to his voice that implies a level of seriousness.

“Mm. Go ahead.”

“Do you really think everyone expects us to get married?” Mark’s voice is tiny, and Donghyuck sits up to look at him more closely.

“Still thinking about what the kids were saying, I see.” He smiles wryly, but Mark has a tiny frown on his face that sets off the warning bells in Donghyuck’s head. “Would it bother you if they did?”

“I… I don’t know.” Mark sighs, “I guess I just… I mean. Would you say yes? If I asked?”

Donghyuck’s heart stops, “Are you asking?”

“No! Not right now.” Mark shakes his head, scooting back against the headboard until they’re both sitting upright, staring at each other. “Sorry. I wasn’t asking right now. But eventually.”

“Normally I’d say you’ll have to find out, but I get the sense that that answer would send you into a full breakdown.” He chuckles drily. “If you’re asking whether _I_ expect us to get married… I hope so? I mean, I wouldn’t spend two years with someone if I didn’t really see myself with them for the long run. But I meant it when I said I want to wait until after I graduate. Maybe not a whole lot later, but certainly not right now.”

“Okay.” Mark inhales, nodding. “I can handle that. Later.”

“Do _you_ want to..?” Donghyuck blinks, suddenly feeling like the ground beneath his feet is shifting.

“Yes! Yeah, of course.” Mark nods, grabbing his hand before he can spiral too far. “I feel the same, Donghyuck. Eventually, but not right now.”

“Good.” He dives forward, slinging his arms around Mark’s neck, burying his face in his shoulder. His bare skin is warm, and Donghyuck places a couple of small kisses on his collarbone before pulling away to lie back down. Mark runs his fingernails lightly up and down his spine in a way that makes his brain feel like it’s melting. Drifting to sleep, Donghyuck snuggles closer, holds Mark tighter, before tipping over the edge into oblivion.

1 year, 6 months earlier.

Though he wouldn’t say being a counselor at a daytime theatre camp was his dream job, the middle schoolers seemed to adore Donghyuck. Although they’re a little clumsy, he’s proud of how they’re progressing at the choreography.

“You know it’s only because they all think you’re handsome, right?” Yerim smirks, making a mark on her clipboard. While she coached voice and he coached dance, they often worked together to build the kids’s stamina. It was an easy partnership, aided by the fact that they were in the same cohort in the drama major. This summer job was only an extension of the already existing acquaintance.

“They wouldn’t be wrong.” Donghyuck laughs, dodging the elbow she aims at his side. “Kidding, kidding. But I won’t complain if having a crush on me motivates them to do well. That’s just showbiz.”

“True.” She sighs. “Who knows where I’d be if Kim Dongyoung hadn’t done the same to me.”

“Dongyoung? Really?” He glances over at her wistful expression from the corner of his eye.

“Don’t start, we all had an embarrassing crush on a senior when we were freshmen.” She rolls her eyes, but it doesn’t hide the flush spreading over her face.

“Mine was Qian Kun.” Donghyuck shrugs. “We hooked up once.”

“I don’t remember him.” Yerim blinks, brow furrowed. “Was he a drama major?”

“Aerospace Engineering,” Donghyuck smirks, “but he tutored me in math.”

“Wait. Kun as in Ten’s fiance?” Yerim gapes. Donghyuck just begins to reply when his phone buzzes in his pocket. He checks the caller ID before frowning.

“Oops, gotta get this.” He shrugs. “Watch the tikes for me?”

“I want an explanation when you get back, Donghyuck.” She mutters to him as the music ends. “Okay guys, run it again!”

The kids groan as Donghyuck slips out the side door, the sunlight blinding him for a moment. He slides to answer just before it goes to voicemail.

“Hey.” He can hear the breathlessness in his own voice, and he would absolutely be cringing if anyone else were around to hear it.

“Hyuck.” Mark’s smile is audible, and Donghyuck begins to smile in response. “I can’t believe—! Oh my god. I have great news.”

“Theatre camp is going great, thanks for asking.” He teases, “Yeah, I have a moment to talk, what’s up?”

“You wouldn’t have answered if you didn’t have a moment.” Mark huffs. “But if you want, I can call back later..?”

“I was joking, you big baby.” Donghyuck chuckles. “Hurry up and tell me, I don’t have much longer before the tikes eat Yeri.”

“She would eat them first.” Mark laughs. “Remember that job I applied to? The one I did just for the hell of it?”

“Yeah, you said you weren’t qualified or some other bullshit.”

“Well, lucky for me they seem to agree with you.” Mark’s voice becomes shy. “I had an interview today and they hired me on the spot.”

“Holy shit.” Donghyuck breathes. “Mark! That’s— I’m so proud of you! I knew you could do it!”

“Thanks.” He huffs out a laugh. “I can’t believe it.”

“I can! I told you, any company with a spine and half a brain would take you in a heartbeat.” Donghyuck leans against the door, the sun-warmed metal bleeding through his shirt. “Congrats, baby. I knew you could do it.”

“Thanks.” Mark clears his throat, and Donghyuck doesn’t need to see his boy to know he’s near tears. “I just didn’t think anyone would want an inexperienced recent graduate. I can’t believe it.”

“Believe it, babe.” Donghyuck laughs. “Let’s celebrate tonight, hm? I’ll pay.” His budget isn’t much at the moment — he’s working like hell to make enough for the anniversary present he wants to get Mark. He’s nearly there, after all the work he put in at that junior theater camp all last summer, waiting tables for most of this semester, as well as this job has him almost to his goal. Plane tickets to Canada were more than he expected, but two years was a big deal. 

“No way,” Mark laughs, “I’ll pay. I’m about to start making some more money anyways.”

“Achievement unlocked: Sugar Daddy Mark?” Donghyuck teases. Mark gags obnoxiously in return. 

“Not that much money.” Mark laughs. “But… well. Enough for my own place.”

“That’s exciting.” Donghyuck hums, checking the time on his watch. Yerim is probably about to stick her head out the door and snap at him to get back in there.

“Yeah.” Mark plows on, and Donghyuck’s ears prick up at the anxious note in his tone. “I’ve been looking at places not too far from school, actually.”

“You’re planning on being one of those grads who sticks around and hits on freshmen in the pavilion, huh?” Donghyuck’s laughter dies when there’s no responding mirth. “Mark? What’s wrong? You’re being quiet. I thought we were celebrating?”

“I, uh.” The shaky breath that comes over the line only makes Donghyuck more nervous. Are they about to break up? Oh god, he can’t live without Mark. His mother has told him a thousand times he’s never going to find anyone so patient and kind, and his siblings _adore_ him, they’ll be crushed. Not to mention, Renjun will be on the warpath— “Would you move in with me?”

Donghyuck’s thoughts come to a screeching halt.

Oh.

“Oh.” He replies intelligently.

“I know it might be too soon, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it just. I don’t know. It feels right.” Mark chuckles, but it sounds more like a wheeze. “Like, if there’s anyone in the world I want to move too fast with, it’s _you,_ Donghyuck.”

“Oh my god.” He mouths.

“Well? What are you thinking?” He can picture Mark chewing away at his bottom lip.

“I— yes?” Donghyuck laughs. “Yes! Yeah, I want to move in with you. I don’t know if you noticed but I basically lived with you and Yukhei all last year. Well, actually, we kind of kicked Yukhei out. Oh my god I can’t believe this.”

“Thank god. I thought you’d say yes, but I didn’t want to assume…” Mark sounds relaxed, now that he’s gotten his response. Donghyuck leans against the door, closing his eyes in the last few hours of light. The days are getting shorter again. “I better let you go back to work.”

“I’ll see you tonight.” He promises. “Pizza and apartment hunting.”

“Sounds like a deal.”

Two weeks later, Donghyuck is shoving all of his worldly belongings into boxes and lugging them up to the fifth floor of an apartment building way out of his pay grade, but apparently well within Mark’s. To be fair, Donghyuck’s pay grade begins and ends at the SMU dorms, but the upgrade isn’t unwelcome.

“Wait.” Mark stops him just before he reaches the doorway, pulling the box of Funko Pop figures out of his hands and setting them roughly on the ground.

“Please be careful _—_ oh!” Donghyuck doesn’t get to finish chastising his boyfriend before he’s airborne, cradled in the safest arms he’s ever known.

“I have to carry you across the threshold, remember?” Mark grins down at him, unbearably cheesy, unbearably soft.

“That’s only if we’re getting married.” He can’t help the heat rising in his cheeks at the thought.

“We’ll get there eventually.” Mark shrugs, setting him down on the floor before dodging back into the hall to pick up the abandoned boxes. “But cohabitation is a big deal, too.”

“I guess.” Donghyuck smiles, looping an arm around Mark’s neck to draw him in for a chaste but heartfelt kiss. “Yeah, eventually.”

1 year, 8 months earlier.

The library is a ghost town. Not in the way that it’s empty — quite the opposite, really. There are students everywhere, hunched over desks, tables, some even standing with their book propped on an eye-level shelf. However, every single student has the empty-eyed, soulless look of a zombie.

So really, the library is a zombie town.

Ah, finals.

Mark is easy enough to find, face-down in his Literary Criticism textbook when Donghyuck spots the faded red of his Vancouver shirt through the stacks. He’s snoring lightly, hand still wrapped around a paper coffee cup from the cafe just downstairs. Donghyuck steadies himself against the wave of tenderness that overtakes him, scratching lightly at Mark’s nape. The older boy rouses, mumbling sleepily, clutching at the paper cup of coffee as his arm slowly slides toward the edge of the table.

Donghyuck grabs the cup shortly before disaster strikes. Mark sits bolt upright in his chair, and Donghyuck half expects to see the text tattooed to his cheek.

“Goodmorning.” He whispers, planting a quick peck on the very same cheek. Mark blinks his wide brown eyes, still dazed with exhaustion.

“Hyuckie?” He murmurs. Donghyuck wants to cry, he’s so cute. “Did you bring me coffee?”

“Nice to see you for the first time this week, too.” He rolls his eyes, plopping in the chair next to Mark. “I brought you snacks, since I know you haven’t seen daylight or the inside of the cafeteria in longer than you’re willing to admit.”

“I had a granola bar earlier.” He huffs, but the pout fades when Donghyuck slides him a pack of jerky and a couple of tangerines.

“I’m sure you did, love, but I need you to eat something that’s not made almost entirely out of sugar and carbohydrates.” He begins peeling the tangerines, careful to do it all in one piece until the peel is a complete coil from top to bottom. He sets the empty shell on the table, handing the now edible fruit to his boyfriend. Mark shoves the whole thing in his mouth in one go, cheeks puffing out like a five year old. “Gross.”

Mark grunts in what Donghyuck interprets to be an apology, choking down the fruit before devouring the jerky. Donghyuck makes sure to segment the second tangerine, just in case. Despite the amount of times he babysat his siblings, he never really learned the heimlich. 

“Coffee?” Mark looks around the table before turning his pleading eyes on Donghyuck.

“Didn’t grab any.” Donghyuck shrugs, “I’m cutting you off. Sorry.”

“I understand.” Mark deflates. “I’ve probably had way more than I should have today, anyway. Finishing this paper is about to suck, though.”

“Yes, finishing it tomorrow _will_ suck.” Donghyuck stands, clearing away the four (!) empty coffee cups and the trash from Mark’s snacks. “For now, I’m walking you back to your room and you are going to sleep.”

“What?” Mark’s eyes get bigger, somehow. “ _No_ , Hyuck, I have to—! My capstone project is due—!”

“Your capstone is due in three days, I know.” Donghyuck nods, sliding the pile of books into Mark’s backpack, winding his laptop charger around his hand before tucking it gently in the top. “I also know that you’re nearly done, and you’re just stressing yourself out. I know you’re going to graduate this weekend even if you only put in fifty percent of your usual effort, because you’re the smartest English major to grace the humble halls of SMU. Therefore, you need to go to bed. Preferably three hours ago, but the second best time is right now.”

“Donghyuck, stop!” Mark grabs his wrist, knuckles white. Donghyuck lets go of the book in his hand, and it falls to the carpet with a dull thud. “I can’t… I _have_ to do well. I know it looks overboard to you but I feel like I’ll go crazy if I don’t work on this. I’m not in my dorm right now because Xuxi was getting panicky just watching me. I have to finish it, and then I promise I’ll sleep. Okay?”

“Do you trust me?” Donghyuck asks.

“What?” Mark blinks. “What does this have to do with—?”

“Do you?” Donghyuck repeats.

“Of course I trust you, Donghyuck.” The irritation is clear in Mark’s voice, evident in his face as he bends down to pick up the fallen book.

“Then trust me when I tell you that what you’re pumping out right now is more detrimental to your thesis than it is helpful.” Donghyuck takes the book, shoving it in the bag before zipping it shut. “You’re exhausted, Mark. Yukhei texted me saying he hasn’t seen you since dinner last night. It’s almost three in the afternoon. Do you realize you’ve been here that long?”

“I… no.” Mark blinks, bleary-eyed.

“You aren’t a machine, Mark Lee.” Donghyuck scolds gently, reaching up to run his fingers through his boyfriend’s already frumpled locks. “You need sleep to do your best. I know you know that. I promise you, eight hours of sleep will fix you right up, and you’ll be in perfect shape to submit your capstone project. Does that sound acceptable?”

Mark blinks, eyes nearly glazed over with exhaustion. Donghyuck feels a pang in his chest, seeing how hollowed out his boy is. _He’s never allowed to look like this again_.

“If you don’t say yes right now, I will begin withholding kisses.” Donghyuck finally prompts when the silence has dragged on too long. Mark startles, meeting his eyes again.

“Can we sleep in your bed?” Mark asks, and Donghyuck beams.

“Yes.” He leans up, placing a kiss on the corner of Mark’s lips. “Of course. Thank you.”

“Thank _you_.” Mark smiles, and it’s tight with exhaustion, but it’s real. Donghyuck will take it.

They take a quick detour to Mark’s room to pick up some sleep clothes. Xuxi looks relieved, forcing Mark to take one of his sports drinks he keeps in his mini fridge at all times.

“You need electrolytes, bro.” Xuxi clapped his roommate on the shoulder. “They’re good for you.”

“I guess?” Mark blinks, staring at the bottle of blue liquid. Donghyuck slides it into his own backpack, leaving Mark’s on the chair by his desk. 

“Join us for breakfast tomorrow? Nine in the cafeteria? Everyone will be there, including _Renjun_.” Donghyuck asks, throwing the taller international student a glance while grabbing Mark’s hand.

“Sure.” Xuxi smiles obliviously, slipping his headphones back over his ear. And with that, they depart. Donghyuck’s dorm building isn’t too far, and Mark’s room is blessedly on the way from the library. Since Donghyuck is on the first floor, they scan into the hall and make it to the room in seconds flat. Mark collapses on the bed with a groan.

“I feel like I’m dying.” Mark whines pitifully. “Am I dying?”

“I don’t know, I’m a theatre major not a med student.” Donghyuck laughs, rolling the other boy over and pulling off his pants. “Can you be a little more helpful here? I feel like I’m undressing a baby.” Mark begins kicking off his jeans, giggling hysterically.

“God I feel drunk.” Mark lets Donghyuck slide his sweats on, sitting up to strip off his shirt. The younger boy rolls his eyes, kicking off his shoes before turning off the light. 

“You’re slap-happy.” He quips, switching on the TV and plugging in his laptop. “What are we watching?”

“Disney.” Mark is still lying like a starfish on the bed, “The Lion King.”

“As you wish, my prince.” Donghyuck chuckles, turning the movie on before sidling to the bed. He pokes Mark in the side, and the elder immediately curls into a ball, rolling into the wall. Donghyuck takes the opportunity to turn down the covers, situating both himself and his man-baby boyfriend underneath the weighted blanket. The opening credits begin to roll in the darkness, and Mark’s arms slowly come around his waist, pulling him close. He feels a nose nuzzle into his neck, Mark’s breath tickling his nape.

“Thank you.” Mark murmurs, his lips brushing the top of Donghyuck’s spine. “I don’t know how I’d live without you, Hyuck.”

Donghyuck reaches up to pat the side of Mark’s face, stubbly, maybe a stress pimple or two, but still absolutely beautiful.

“Don’t worry,” he sighs, eyes drifting shut over the castle logo, “you won’t ever have to.”

2 years, 5 months earlier.

Donghyuck has a couple of regrets in this life. He regrets the time he played Kings Cup at a frat party freshman year and got mono. He regrets the time he and Renjun shared an experimental kiss when they were in high school, honestly. More than anything else, though, Donghyuck regrets having an anniversary that falls on finals week of fall semester.

Yeah, kissing in the snow had been cute and picturesque at the time, but being separated from his new boyfriend for three weeks afterward had been hell, and not to mention summer dates were so much cuter and more versatile. There would be no adorable anniversary picnics for them, that was for damn sure. Plus, there was the unfortunate fact that now, as a college student, he wants to celebrate his first anniversary with the boy of his dreams, but he has a voice final at eight in the morning, which means he has to get up at six and start warming it up in order to be prepared in time.

And so, on a Wednesday afternoon, Donghyuck finds himself climbing into Jaemin’s beat-up car, Mark smiling at him in the driver’s seat. He can’t imagine what Mark had to do to get the keys for the night, since neither of them had a car, but he’s grateful regardless.

“Hey.” Mark grins, leaning over the center console to greet him with a kiss. Donghyuck’s heart does somersaults and loop-de-loops. Too soon, Mark pulls away, face as pink as a strawberry. Donghyuck clicks his seatbelt into place.

“Hi.” He replies, too late, but Mark still smiles at him like he hung the stars in the sky. “Sorry we have to do this so early. I can’t believe they scheduled my voice final for ass o’clock in the morning.”

“It’s our anniversary, Hyuckie.” Mark laughs, moving one hand from the steering wheel to his leg. Donghyuck’s brain short circuits for a moment before coming back online. “I would have an anniversary breakfast with you at four in the morning if it meant we would get to spend time together.”

“Let’s make it a goal to not wake up before five ever again when we’re both graduated.” Donghyuck sighs. “When I get my diploma, I will only be waking up after seven. No exceptions.”

“Until you get called for rehearsal at five.” Mark snorts.

“Don’t even suggest that you gremlin, the universe is _always_ listening and she obviously loves punishing me.” Donghyuck groans. Mark just squeezes his leg, and Donghyuck suppresses a pout when his hand returns to the wheel. “What are we doing, anyway?” 

“Well, you said you wanted lowkey.” Mark chews his lip, and Donghyuck knows immediately that he’s nervous. Donghyuck also knows immediately that if Mark is nervous, he spent a lot of time thinking about it, and that means he’s going to love it no matter what. “I was thinking we can just grab some food at the drive thru and then watch the sunset? There’s a spot that Jeno recommended—.”

“That sounds perfect.” Donghyuck says. He’s surprised by how much he means it, but any day with Mark is kind of perfect, he’s coming to realize.

They avoid the freeway, it’s always too crowded at this time on a weekday. They just get cheap burgers, fries, and chocolate milkshakes from the drive thru before making their way up the winding road to the overlook, the GPS on Mark’s ancient android giving them trouble every step of the way. By the time they actually make it to the spot, the sun is halfway set.

“Well,” Mark sighs, shutting off the engine, the lights clicking off, “we tried.”

“We certainly did.” Donghyuck chuckles, tossing a cold fry into his mouth before chasing it with a long drag of melted milkshake. “Maybe we’ll have better luck next year.”

“Hopefully we can do something _nicer_ next year.” Mark snorts.

“Absolutely not!” Donghyuck pouts, only half teasing. “This is our thing now.”

“Really?” Mark blinks, glancing around. “You want our thing to be greasy takeout at a spot where teenagers go to vape and lose their virginity?” 

“ _Yes_!” Donghyuck’s pout is overcome by a laugh. “I mean, not when you say it like that. But look at the lights! It’s nice up here. You can’t change my mind. This is romantic.”

“If you insist.” Mark bows his head, conceding.

“I do.” Donghyuck puffs his chest, reaching into the inside pocket of his denim jacket. “Which is why…”

“That better not be a gift.” The elder’s eyes widen as Donghyuck holds out a package wrapped in polar bear paper.

“Sorry about the wrapping, the store only had Christmas stuff.” He apologizes. “I know we said no presents, but I noticed you needed a new one, and it was so _perfect…_ I had to. Open it? Please?”

Mark blinks at him, slowly, before beginning to tear at the paper. His cheeks are dusted red, Donghyuck notices. It’s cute. He turns absolutely crimson when he extracts the gift itself from the small box. The guitar strap unrolls, revealing a beautiful embroidered pattern of—.

“Sunbursts.” Mark breathes, glancing up at his now blushing boyfriend.

“To remind you of me.” Donghyuck nods, smiling. “I would give you the entire universe if I could, but I hope the sun is enough for now.”

“It’s perfect, I—” Mark looks up, and they lock eyes for a moment that feels like it stretches on forever. “Hyuck, _you’re_ perfect, I love you.”

The air in the car vanishes.

“You..?” Donghyuck blinks. “Really?”

“I was planning on telling you after I gave you… One second.” Mark digs into his pocket, producing a small jewelry box. The sirens begin to go off in Donghyuck’s head.

“Please tell me you didn’t forgo eating to get me this, Mark Lee.” Donghyuck gapes.

“Don’t make me lie to you on our first anniversary. Just open it.” Mark beams, and who is Donghyuck to deny him? The lid flicks open to reveal a delicate chain with a silver moon pendant in the center. Donghyuck lifts it from the box, staring at the beautiful little bracelet glinting in the moonlight, the city as its backdrop. The pendant twirls, revealing an engraving on the back.

_Like the moon loves the sun, I love you._

“Oh.” He whispers.

“You don’t have to say it back right away.” Mark’s voice is low, just as gentle as he is. “I know this must feel pretty out of the blue, but I’ve been sure for a while now. No pressure, though— ow!” He breaks off as Donghyuck slugs him in the arm.

“You idiot!” He grunts, climbing over the center console to land in Mark’s lap.

“Hyuck?” Mark blinks, a hand landing on his waist to steady him. The other hand reaches up to brush away tears Donghyuck hadn’t been aware were even falling. “I—.”

“Shut up.” He shakes his head, leaning in to press his lips to Mark’s. The elder, clearly shocked, is slow to respond. It only takes a few more moments of steady work from Donghyuck to have him melting into it as well. The confusion lingers, though, and too soon Donghyuck pulls away to look his boy square in the eye. “I love you too, obviously. I love you so much.”

“Oh.” Mark’s eyes are wide, illuminated by the city lights and the moon hanging high above them, bearing silent witness to their moment. “Oh, good.”

“Now,” Donghyuck grins wickedly, reaching to recline the seat, “Let’s make sure Jaemin never lends us his car ever again, shall we?”

3 years earlier.

“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong, or are you going to keep sighing like a Jane Austen character until you use up all the oxygen in the room and kill us both?” Renjun rolls his eyes, sitting up from the bed.

“I’m not sighing.” Donghyuck blinks, frowning down at his Switch. He takes a deep breath, and— “Oh. Well, that’s just breathing, Injunnie.”

“No, it’s sulking.” Renjun snaps his book closed, sitting upright. “What is it? Tell me.” Donghyuck couldn’t argue with that logic.

“My parents want to meet Mark.” Donghyuck confesses.

“How is that a problem?” Renjun blinks. Donghyuck groans, flopping back on the bed.

“We’ve only been together a few months, I don’t want to freak him out.” He whines, kicking around on the bed. “What if it’s awkward? Or what if my siblings are demons? What if they love him and then he dumps me and they take his side?”

“It won’t be awkward because they’re your family and you’re all extroverts.” Renjun ticks off on his fingers. “Your siblings _will_ be demons because they are related to _you_ , the head demon. And Mark already knows what I’m going to do to him if he ever breaks your heart. Also, your family would never take a random Canadian man’s side over yours.”

“Okay, but then what if they _don’t_ like him—?” Donghyuck is swiftly cut off by Renjun sitting on his chest.

“He stayed in Korea for the summer instead of going home, right?” Renjun asks.

“Yeah.” Donghyuck huffs, squirming. “Can you move—?”

“No, shut up.” He snaps, continuing. “And why did he do that?”

“I don’t know,” Donghyuck whines, “he said he got a job at this coffee place near campus, and he was approved for summer housing…”

“And why would he choose to work at a coffee place in Korea rather than a coffee place back home in Canada, Donghyuck?”

“You’re scary.” Donghyuck frowned, rolling before Renjun could try to stabilize himself. The shorter boy fell off the edge of the mattress with a loud _thud_ , groaning from his new spot on the floor. “Are you saying he stayed for _me_?”

“Anyone with half a brain and two eyes could see he stayed for you, stupid.” Renjun sits up, his hair mussed.

“But.” Donghyuck blinks. “We’ve barely been together for six months.”

“ _Exactly._ ” Renjun huffs, grabbing his book and standing. “I’m going home to read in peace. Call him and invite him over, or I will chew your ankles.”

And with that, Donghyuck’s best friend sweeps through the bedroom door. He pokes his head up above his bed to peek through the window, where the other boy could be seen walking across the street to his own home.

Sent (2:08pm)

Traitor.

Renjunnie (2:09pm)

Call him.

Groaning, Donghyuck pulls up Mark’s contact, hitting the call button before he could chicken out. He knew he was working right now, so the call was most likely going to voicemail. He could handle tha—.

“Hello?”

Fuck.

“Hey, are you busy?” His voice is surprisingly level considering the fact that half his energy is being dedicated toward kicking into the air right now.

“I just got on break.” Mark’s voice crackles over the line. “What’s up?”

“Nothing’s wrong.” Donghyuck can feel a bead of sweat run down his spine.

“What?” He laughs, and Donghyuck curses his nerves. “You’re being weird. What is it?”

“My parents want you to come over for dinner.” He blurts. Mark goes dead silent. “I totally get it if you can’t, though. Or if you don’t want to. It’s fine. I’ll just tell them to leave it alone. It’s really fine.”

“I want to.” Mark says after a moment. “Do _you_ want me to?”

“I mean… yeah?” Donghyuck admits.

“Then I’ll be there.” The breathy laugh is staticky, but still endearing. “Name the day and time.”

And so two days later Donghyuck gets permission to borrow the minivan, driving back to SMU to pick Mark from his summer dorm. The campus looks different over the summer, empty and sunny, though Donghyuck has grown used to it, coming to visit Mark several times since the beginning of the summer break. Donghyuck’s family doesn’t live so far that he couldn’t have been a commuter, but living with Renjun sounded leagues above living at home with his parents and little siblings. Of course, he did end up missing home sometimes, but there was no way he’d be able to make out with his really cute Canadian boyfriend all the time if he lived there, so it was a trade-off.

“Thanks for picking me up.” Mark smiles, leaning in to kiss him briefly before pulling away to buckle his seat belt. “I’m not sure how nice I should look, but I didn’t exactly bring my church clothes. I hope this is okay.”

“If they’re clean, they’re fine.” Donghyuck smiles, pulling away from the curb. “The twins are about to start high school, and my parents are both teachers. Our standards aren’t too high.”

“I just feel bad I haven’t met them yet,” Mark rubs the back of his neck, “we’ve been together for a while now. They probably think I’ve been avoiding them.”

“No, they correctly assume that I’m trying to keep you apart for the sake of my vanity.” Donghyuck sighs, adjusting the air conditioner as they enter the freeway. Mark bats his hand away, turning the dial to the exact spot he was wanting it.

“You can’t have _that_ many embarrassing stories, babe.” Mark scoffs. Donghyuck chews his lip.

“Well…” He focuses on the road, ignoring the way Mark is now staring intently at him. “I may have sworn Renjun to secrecy on a lot of things when we started dating.”

“Oh, come on.” Mark laughs. “Is it going to be better or worse than my aquarium story?”

“Worse.” Donghyuck winces. “Way worse.”

“Really?” Mark pauses, and Donghyuck can hear the way he’s biting back a smile. “Oh. Do you wanna tell me now, then? I won’t—!”

“Don’t say you won’t laugh, we both know you will.” Donghyuck huffs. “But fine. Just don’t make fun of me, okay?”

And he told him everything. The time he threw up on stage in ninth grade trying to power through a performance after getting food poisoning. How he cried himself to sleep the night after he watched the last High School Musical movie. How he used to carry bugs around in his pocket as a toddler. All of it. But by far the worst…

“I had the stupidest crush on Renjun’s older brother Sicheng since, like, early childhood,” Donghyuck finally admits as they pull into the driveway, “and I legitimately disliked his boyfriend for a long time after they got together because I was petty and mad he didn’t like me back and Renjun still gives me shit about it.”

“How long did you like him?” Mark asks.

“From age five until about six months ago.” He cringes. “I owe Jaehyun a gift basket of some kind, honestly. I poured soy sauce in his Coke at any opportunity for _years_.”

“Wait, like, six months ago? As in,” Mark blinks, pointing at himself, “six months ago?”

“ _Yes_ okay? I know, it’s so stupid but it really wasn’t serious after middle school—!”

“That’s actually kinda sweet.” Mark tilts his head, contemplative. Donghyuck is wary, but at least he’s not laughing as hard as he had been at the stories before.

“Okay but one time Sicheng woke up and saw me watching him sleep—.”

“Oh my god.” Mark chuckled. “Yeah okay that’s a little weird, but the fact that you liked him for so long… He must be really admirable.”

“Don’t think too hard about it, maybe I just wanted to marry into Renjun’s family. They have money.” Donghyuck pulls the keys from the ignition. “We’re here.”

“Hey, _hey_ ,” Donghyuck is pulled back into the car by his wrist. Mark is leaning over the center console, eyes warm and gooey like a melted chocolate bar, “don’t be embarrassed, okay? I love learning more about you.”

“Okay, easy for you to say when your most embarrassing story was falling in the penguin tank as a kid.” Donghyuck pouts.

“The first time I ever kissed someone, I sneezed into her mouth and she got so grossed out she puked.” Mark blurts. “I used to wet the bed so I didn’t get to go to sleepovers until I was twelve. My first cartoon crush was on the horse from _Spirit_.”

“Oh my god.”

“See?” Mark is smiling at him, despite the flush rising on his face. “We’re a matching pair. Two embarrassing weirdos who figured out how to be functional humans.”

“You’re cheesy.” Donghyuck laughs past the tightness in his throat.

“There’s nothing they can say that would make me think you’re embarrassing, Hyuck.” Mark leans across the center console, planting a kiss on his forehead. “In case you haven’t noticed, I think you’re completely out of my league and I consider you liking me to be one of the greatest strokes of luck I’ve ever encountered.”

“No, no self-deprecating to make me feel better. Not allowed.” Donghyuck frowns, flicking Mark’s forehead in return before opening the car door. “Let’s go, my mom has probably convinced herself we’re dead in a ditch by now.”

“After you.” Mark smiles at him in the way that makes his stomach do backflips. They both slide out of the car, hit the lock, and make their way to the front door hand in hand.

3 years, 5 months earlier.

“This is terrible.” Donghyuck groans into the downy comfort of Jaemin’s duvet. 

“It’s not that bad!” Jeno pats his head, “If we just keep studying, we’ll be fine. The exam isn’t for another few days.”

“He’s talking about his crush on Mark.” Renjun sighs, flipping the page of his textbook. They’re on lockdown in Jaemin and Jeno’s dorm (or as their whole friend group has taken to calling it, the Na-Lee household). 

“I like him so goddamn _much_.” He whines, kicking his feet into the mattress for effect. It earns him an eraser thrown at his head by Jaemin.

“Knock it off, you’re un-making my bed.” He snaps, turning back to his notes.

“I think that would be your roommate, snuggled under the sheets,” Donghyuck rolls, switching his position so his feet are by the pillows Jeno is snuggled up on, “despite the fact that his bed is literally four feet away.”

“I’m napping.” Jeno bumps Donghyuck’s nose with his foot from under the blankets. Donghyuck recoils, slipping off the lofted bed. “Oh! Are you okay?”

“I’m dying.” He mutters into the carpet.

“It’s just a crush, you weakling.” Renjun huffs, shutting his book. “I can’t do this here. You guys are too loud, and my exam is in seven hours.”

“Where are you going?” Jaemin pouts, his notes sliding off his lap and onto Jeno’s sheets. On Jeno’s bed. Which he is currently snuggled into.

“The library, it’s open all night.” Renjun slides his things into his backpack, grabbing his energy drink from its condensation pool on the desk. “Chenle and Jisung are already there.”

“Oh! Can you pick up my hold? I need it for my final paper.” Donghyuck pops up.

“Absolutely not,” Renjun sniffs, shouldering his bag and slipping his boots on, “but if you’re ready by the time I finish tying my laces, you can walk with me.”

“Fine.” Donghyuck sighs, sitting up to gather his things. Of course, Renjun has finished tying his laces by the time Donghyuck is zipping up his giant puffer jacket, but Donghyuck is too grateful to really tease his roommate and best friend about it.

“I wish it would just snow already.” Renjun’s breath turns to clouds of ice crystals as they walk side-by-side through the quiet campus. “This frosty bullshit is getting annoying.”

“You just want there to be a delay so you have extra time to study before your exam.” Donghyuck snorts, shoving his hands deeper into his pockets.

“I’m actually hoping for a spontaneous blizzard that will force our entire exam week to move online,” Renjun pouts, “but I will certainly settle for a two-hour delay.”

Aside from the crunch of their boots on the salted cement ricocheting off the buildings surrounding them, it’s quiet. Donghyuck sucks in an icy breath, enjoying the peaceful aura surrounding—.

“So what are you going to do about Mark?” Renjun askes, shattering Donghyuck’s indie coming-of-age-movie fantasy moment.

“I don’t know what there is to _do_ , Injun.” He heaves a sigh, watching in satisfaction as it puffs out in front of his face. “I like him, but what if things get weird? What if he doesn’t feel the same?”

“He feels the same.” Renjun scoffs, stepping over a large patch of frost. “Honestly, he might even like you more than you like him.”

“That’s ridiculous.” The warm light radiating from the front doors of the library wash over Renjun’s face, and they both quicken their pace, spurred on by the chill.

“Please, he watches you talk like you’re F. Scott Fitzgerald reincarnated giving a TED talk.” Renjun pushes open the door, stomping his boots on the mat before scanning his student ID to enter the library. Donghyuck quickly follows suit.

“He does?” He whispers, following Renjun as he hops in the elevator, pressing the button for the fourth floor.

“Yeah, and it’s giving our group lunch time a weird energy.” Renjun leans against the side of the elevator, letting his backpack rest on the bar. “Like, even weirder than when Nana and Jeno are just ogling each other.”

“What do I _do_ , Injun?” Donghyuck huffs, resting his forehead on the cool metal of the elevator wall.

“What you _always_ do, dummy.” Renjun rolls his eyes, “Be brave.”

“Easier said than done.” The bell dings, and the doors rumble open to reveal a sea of occupied tables. “Where are the kids?”

“Lele said they’d be by the back wall.” Renjun cranes his neck, eyes widening. “Oh, would you look at that? Mark’s here.”

“I need to pick up my hold.” Donghyuck wheezes, turning to hightail it back to the elevator. He’s pulled back around, dragged through the winding aisle between tables.

“You can do that after saying hi.” Renjun drags him by the chest strap on his backpack, unrelenting in his pace. Donghyuck stumbles, trying to keep up. “Honestly, it’s a crush. It’s not the end of the world.”

“The same goes for you and Yukhei, you know.” Donghyuck pouts. Just over Renjun’s shoulder, he can see Chenle waving. His smile is as bright as ever, despite the absolute chaos of papers, coffee cups, and note cards scattered over the table. Next to him, Jisung and Mark are bent over Jisung’s laptop, talking quietly amongst themselves.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Renjun snaps in a tone that indicates that he absolutely does have a clue what Donghyuck is talking about.

“Hey hyungs!” Chenle whisper-shouts when they finally arrive at the table. “Jisungie is having Mark-hyung look at his paper one more time before he turns it in. Wanna take a seat?”

“I’m just here to grab a hold, but I wanted to say hi.” Donghyuck smiles, eyes flickering over to Mark. The elder is already looking at him, and he feels his cheeks burn as he immediately looks back to Chenle. “What are you working on?”

“Final paper for my online psych class.” Chenle gestures toward his computer, wearing the widest shit-eating grin Donghyuck has ever seen. “I’m writing about how love and romantic feelings addle the minds of college-age adults.”

“Really?” Donghyuck gapes.

“Nah, but if I were, I would have a _lot_ of personal research data.” Chenle laughs, eyes darting between Mark and Donghyuck pointedly. Renjun just plugs his headphones into his laptop, pressing the ‘volume up’ button several times for emphasis.

“I think you’re worried for nothing, this is a strong paper.” Mark murmurs to Jisung, ruffling the first-year’s hair.

“Thanks for reading it, hyung.” Jisung smiles. The poor kid looks exhausted, Donghyuck notices the dark circles under his eyes as he reaches over to pinch his cheek.

“Wanna walk back to the dorm with me, Jisung-ah?” He can feel Mark’s eyes on him.

“Um.” Jisung glances back and forth between the two of them, and Donghyuck realizes with a start that Renjun wasn’t kidding about their weird energy. Jisung stares at Chenle with open desperation.

“Sorry, hyung. I need him to help me study for my final in the morning.” Chenle lies smoothly.

“I’ll walk back with you.” Mark offers.

Donghyuck’s stomach bottoms out.

“That’s a great idea!” It’s almost embarrassing how relieved Chenle sounds. 

“Yeah, great.” Donghyuck nods, taking a deep breath. He rubs his palms against his jeans, hoping they aren’t as clammy as they feel. Mark packs his things quickly, pushing his chair back in before circling around to Donghyuck.

“See you later!” Chenle smiles.

“Be careful not to slip on the ice.” Jisung nods. Renjun takes a break from typing to offer a simple wave. 

They trudge quietly, side by side, toward the elevators. Mark waves in passing to different people he knows, and while the Canadian student’s popularity wasn’t exactly a secret, Donghyuck is still shocked at how many people Mark has connections with on this campus.

“How do you know Kun-hyung?” he whispers as the elevator doors rumble open.

“International student mixers,” Mark shrugs, “he’s nice.”

“Yeah, he’s, uh, super nice.” Donghyuck coughs, hitting the button for the first floor.

There’s an energy that fills the elevator, the longer they stand there saying nothing. It’s practically crackling, sparking with some kind of tension that Donghyuck doesn’t dare name. He doesn’t miss the way they both take a deep breath when the doors open once more. Donghyuck speed walks to the holds shelf, taking his time checking his book out and sliding it into his bag. When he finally turns around again, Mark is looking at a display about stress management.

“Ready?” He smiles. Mark nods, zipping his parka all the way up to his chin as he follows Donghyuck out into the frozen night air.

It’s unbearably quiet, just the sounds of their boots crunching against the salted pavement. Donghyuck glances at Mark out of the corner of his eye. He’s staring at the ground, his mouth forming the thin line that Donghyuck has come to realize is his default overthinking face. Neither of them are the type to shy away from confrontation, and yet here they are, suffering quietly and unwilling to be the first to break the silence.

_Be brave,_ Renjun’s voice echoes back to him from earlier that night.

“Okay, we have to stop.” Donghyuck sighs, halting his footsteps. He reaches out to grab Mark’s sleeve, pulling him to a stop as well.

“Did you forget something?” Mark blinks, chewing his lip. “I’m sure Renjun could just grab it for you before he heads back to your room, but I’ll come with if you want to turn around—.”

“Mark, I have a crush on you.” The words fly from his mouth unbidden. The look of shock on Mark’s face would almost be comical if Donghyuck didn’t absolutely want to melt into a puddle of grey slush on the sidewalk.

“Oh.” Mark replies eloquently. “Oh my god.”

“Yeah.” Donghyuck winces as the silence drags between them. He’s never been good with silences. “Um. I’m sorry if this makes things weird. You don’t have to feel the same way, seriously. I just really enjoyed the last few times we hung out on our own, and then I realized it’s because I just… I really like you. So, yeah. Sorry if this ruins everything. I’m going to head back to my room now and maybe cry a little bit—.”

“Hyuck, wait a minute!” Mark steps directly into Donghyuck’s path as he attempts to escape, and… Well, now they’re standing rather close to one another. Under the street light, Mark’s lashes cast long shadows on his cheekbones. “I’m just… You surprised me, okay? I need to, like, process this a little bit.”

“No, I get it.” Donghyuck sighs, shaking his head. The tears pricking his eyes are a product of equal parts frustration and disappointment. “Seriously, we don’t have to ever talk about this again, okay? I’ll just get over it.”

“Donghyuck, please just give me a second, okay?” Mark holds onto his shoulders, preventing any and all escape routes. “I need you to understand that I had a whole speech planned and it was actually kind of romantic, but you jumped the gun and now we’re doing this out in the freezing cold—.”

“What are you talking about?” Donghyuck huffs, impatience winning out.

“I like you, too.” Mark’s eyes are like the calm surface of a lake at midnight, impossibly dark but still reflecting so many beautiful pinpoints of light. “I like you so much it’s driving me insane. You _have_ to have noticed.”

“Well.” Donghyuck clears his throat, cheeks burning. “Renjun may have mentioned it to me.”

“Like he has any room to talk.” Mark snorts, his hands sliding down to hold both of Donghyuck’s hands in his. “I’m glad he brought it to your attention, though.”

“So, what does this mean, then?” Donghyuck stares down at their joined hands. He battles with the mingled _rightness_ of how it looks and the anxiety of the unknowns. “Now that we both know how we feel, where do we go from here?”

“Well, that’s a good question.” Mark shifts, gesturing that they should keep walking. Donghyuck mourns his lonely hands for just a moment, until Mark’s fingers intertwine with his right hand. The elder shoves their joined digits into his jacket pocket, keeping them warm. “To be honest, I want us to be a couple. But I don’t want to pressure you at all.”

“I think I want that, too.” Donghyuck nods, biting his lip to keep from smiling like a total dork. “Exclusive?”

“Yeah.” Mark nods, squeezing his hand just a bit tighter. “Exclusive.”

“Good.” Donghyuck is fairly certain the euphoria flooding his system is a product of the rollercoaster of despair and elation he’s been riding the past ten minutes, but he can’t bring himself to care. 

Mark likes him, too.

“If we’re doing this, we should be serious, you know.” Mark pauses, slowing their steps as they reach the plaza outside his dorm. Donghyuck’s dorm is a little further down, past the science building, though he can’t see it through the snow that’s begun to fall.

“You’re not already talking about us breaking up, are you?” Donghyuck laughs, pulling Mark to a complete stop, “We got together just two minutes ago!”

“No, of course not!” Mark smiles, despite his obvious efforts to remain serious. “But really, Hyuck. It’s not just us who are impacted by this decision. I don’t want our friends to be in a weird situation if this doesn’t work out.”

“Well,” Donghyuck steps in closer, draping his free arm over Mark’s shoulder, “I suppose that means we’ll just have to make sure this works out, then.”

A snowflake lands on Mark’s eyelash, and Donghyuck doesn’t think twice before brushing it away with his thumb. Mark closes his eyes, and he lets his hand linger, fingers brushing along the elder’s cheekbone. Donghyuck feels pulled, as if by an invisible string, closer and closer, until his lips are on Mark’s, and the rest of the world around them falls away.

Mark’s lips are soft, and his chapstick tastes like mint. His nose is cold where it brushes against Donghyuck’s cheek. It’s not heated, as far as kisses go, nor is it long. It’s just a chaste pressing of lips, and yet Donghyuck feels like the happiness zipping up and down his spine is enough to send him rocketing off into space.

“Alright,” Mark whispers as they pull away, “we’ll make sure this works out.”

3 years, 9 months earlier.

Donghyuck is hustling his way through the English department, slurping on an iced americano as if his life depends on it, when something catches his eye. The warm August sunshine filters through the tall windows, falling on a taller boy with cheekbones that must have been sculpted by god herself.

The boy is chewing his lip, eyes flickering uncertainly around the hallway before falling back to the wrinkled paper in his hand. While Renjun is the psych major in their friend group, Donghyuck is no stranger to the anxious huff the boy lets out as he squints at the sign overhead, mouthing the syllables to himself.

He pauses, eyes landing on the clock on the wall directly above the boy. He doesn’t have much time before his next class, but he has a few minutes to point him in the right direction, he supposes.

“Hi,” He speaks slowly, hoping it doesn’t come off condescending, “are you lost?”

“Was it obvious?” The guy responds in rapid-fire Korean, catching Donghyuck completely off-guard. “That’s embarrassing. I swear I can speak the language just fine, but I was raised abroad, so reading is hard.”

“It’s not so unusual to see someone standing around looking stressed on the first week of classes.” Donghyuck laughs, hiking his backpack higher on his shoulder. “Where are you headed?”

“Shakespeare, taught by Dr. Park.” The accent, though subtle, is a little more obvious the more Donghyuck hears him speak. This guy sounds American.

“What a coincidence, that’s where I’m headed!” Donghyuck nods his head toward the end of the hallway, “We can walk together. I’m Lee Donghyuck, by the way.”

“Mark Lee.” His tone is so openly relieved, Donghyuck feels kind of bad for considering not stopping to help.

“Where are you from, Mark Lee?” Donghyuck guides him around the corner, down a rapidly clearing hallway. Students are mostly already in class, but Park is infamous for being late to his own lectures nine times out of ten.

“Canada,” Mark gestures to the maple leaf design on the chest of his hoodie, “I kind of applied to transfer on a whim, and when I got accepted I just went with it.”

“You’re adventurous.” Donghyuck smirks, enjoying the way Mark’s eyes drift to his lips.

“That’s a nice way of saying dumb.” Mark chuckles, matching his pace as Donghyuck slows. The classroom door is still open, and Dr. Park is nowhere in sight.

“You got lunch plans after this, Canada?” Donghyuck asks over his shoulder as he breezes through the entryway.

“I don’t even know where the cafeteria is.” Mark laughs.

“You can eat with me and my friends,” Donghyuck slides into an empty desk and tries to ignore the spark of pleasure that zips up his spine when Mark chooses the seat next to him, “if you’d like.”

“I would like that a lot.” Mark’s eyes twinkle. Donghyuck doesn’t have time to formulate a response before Dr. Park bustles in, dropping a stack of paper on his desk with a harried apology having something to do with a jammed photocopier.

Under the desk, Donghyuck pulls out his phone and shoots Renjun a text.

Sent (11:46am)

I think I just met the love of my life.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Leave a comment / kudos / bookmark and let me know what you thought! Or find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/jyancity) or [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/jyancity).


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